My insides are very not calm. I feel like I am in a constant state of stress. I am feeling lost. I am feeling torn. I am feeling like I just don’t know what to do with myself.
Thank God, my brother and sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy yesterday. I am very happy to be an auntie. I’m very excited for them. It is going to be exciting and new to have a baby in the family; for my brother to become a father; for my parents to become grandparents. But this news also tore at my heart. I want to have a baby. I want to be married. I should be the one with a kid. Instead of being the one that doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have a house, doesn’t have a significant other – basically has nothing at this point. I worry that I will not ever have this, and so I am pained. I am excited about going to visit them next week, and I hope that they will never know the pain that this is causing me.
I am thankful to have parents that love and care for me. I meet so many people who don’t have that. But at the same time, having them take care of me over the past few weeks has been one of the most difficult times I have faced. My heart sinks every time I need to go home. I feel like I am back to being in high school, where I need my parents to take me places; where my parents know my friends and what I am doing with myself every single day. I try (or am trying) to have it not bring me down- but staying with them just makes me feel like a failure and a loser. But again, I should be happy. I have a place to stay for free; food to eat; and even a ride to everywhere I need…yet this all fills me with sadness.
I am thankful to have the opportunity right now to choose again where in the world I want to live. The entire world is open at this point. It is quite amazing. But it is also awful. I feel unsettled, and in my unsettled state I am finding it hard to figure out where I should try to go next. Every place has its benefits. I really have no idea where I should be going next. I want to be with my friends, which would mean to go back to Israel- but I don’t think that is possible. So then where to? I applied for CPE residency for next year, and I now have an interview. If I get it and take it, I would be staying in NY for another year, at least. I want to have a reason to be settled, but at the same time I recognize that settling down means I lose part of my ability to just move and explore this very big world.
I think back to only a month ago, when I was in Australia. My back was not in knots. I was mostly happy (yes, I was lonely at times – which could be a problem for moving back). I enjoyed what I was doing. I liked the people I was spending most of my time with. There was something calming about the city (very much not like NYC , especially the traffic coming in).
As the New Year is coming (again) I hope that things will settle, and once again I will be able to feel a sense of calm and happiness.
Open Window in a Closed Space 