A Thing I Never Thought Would Happen – Happened

Almost three weeks ago I got engaged. I’ve been putting off writing about it – at first it was because he was still here. Then I was in the UK. Then I came back and it was a whole whirlwind of stuff at work, in addition to now all the personal things I need to start taking care of.

I wasn’t surprised that it happened – but I was really surprised in the way it happened. He told me the day before (on Thursday night) that on Friday, he would not be able to speak until about 8pm UK time, and shabbat started there around 8:45pm. I said that was ok, as I would only be getting home at 3pm EST. At 3, I texted him as I usually do, and he said he was still busy, could he speak in 20 minutes. I said sure. Later he asked if it would be ok if it was in 5 more minutes. I said that was ok, but if it is too much then we can just talk on Sunday. And then there was a knock on the door. I assumed it was a neighbor or the people who were coming for Shabbat dinner. But when I opened my door, he was standing there with a bouquet of roses.

I lost all of my words and thoughts. Only the day before we were talking about how we would be able to see each other soon (it had been 6 weeks since the last time we saw each other), and there he was. He came into my apartment, and then asked if he should get down on one knee – which I said, he could do whatever he wanted- so he did. And then asked me to marry him. Even though I had joked earlier in the week that I would say no, all I could think of saying was yes.

It was Shabbat in the UK by that time and we didn’t want to tell my family before his, so all of Shabbat and Saturday night we did not tell anyone that we were engaged. My friends who were around for dinner guessed – although they didn’t say anything until we told them.

And then came the beginning of the whirlwind – which was also lovely. On Sunday we woke up early so we could catch all of our families around the globe. Calling parents and siblings and family and friends that are like family. It was so nice to be able to share great news. And then the we went out, and I had a ring on my finger (I am still getting used to it). And then on Monday we told the Facebook world – and were sent so many messages of good wishes and love.

To make things even crazier (which is also why I was so surprised), Monday night I was flying to the UK (now it would be back with him). I did have work – and they are the first ones to throw us an engagement party. And then we went to the airport. He tried to see if he could change onto my flight, but that was not possible. But he did get us into the Concord Room (really fancy airport lounge).

London was great – also crazy. Seeing friends and his family. Meeting new people. Going to a jeweler (I picked out a diamond…I have never done that before). Meeting with an immigration lawyer so our visa process will hopefully go smoothly. Meeting with a rabbi about some potential work ideas. And then two engagement parties – one with his family and one with friends.

I know I have written before about getting married soon and moving. So, the reality is, I wasn’t surprised that I got engaged. If anything, I joked with M that he proposed twice before. We already started planning parts of our wedding. We actually had already set a date for our US engagement party. But I have to say, that when he actually asked me, and gave me a ring, it actually all felt different.

I don’t really know why those things made it feel different. For the first 48 hours we didn’t tell anyone, and I wasn’t wearing a ring, but still things felt different between us – and I don’t think it was just because of the giddiness that we both felt. Something has shifted and changed – in a really great way. The other day we were walking and all lovey-dovey, which is not our style. We stopped and recognized it, and were like “oh, so that’s what we see on other people, we get it now.”

So now I’m engaged. I can’t help think back to something I wrote in March 2017:

My marital status has never been such a focus of my identity as it has been in the past couple of months, and that includes working in a Jewish nursing home for over four years. As I am finishing my rabbinical studies and looking seriously for a full time job, that I notice that my options are limited, specifically because of my marital status. There are jobs that I can’t apply to because I am single and jobs that I won’t apply to because I am single.

There are jobs, even organizations that are open and liberal, who do not allow non-married individuals apply. The message is that if I don’t have a legally bound spouse I am  not able to run a home or community,or have leadership skills. Somehow my training, my past experiences, my abilities all get thrown out the window because I do not have my Mrs. degree.

And then there are the places that I chose not to go to- because even though the job is the right job for me- I will have to choose a life of aloneness. They are in small towns or areas where people my age don’t live in. Even though I want to work, I want to do what I feel like I am in this world to do, I also want and need to have a social life- both to have friends and to hopefully find a partner.

The Talmud for the most part, does not look very favorably on single people, or better term would be,  unmarried people. When the Talmud speaks about singleness it is almost all in relation to not being married. One should have a partner, or really one needs to have a partner, as it is not “good for man to be alone”-meaning they should have a marriage partner. In Masechet Kiddushin (29b) it says that one who isn’t married is a sinner and God is waiting for us to get married – not only are we sinning, but we are disappointing God. As I delved into the text, there were two models, which I found both encouraging and disheartening.

The first model is that of Ben Azai. In Masechet Yevamot (63b) Ben Azai says that those who don’t have children it is as if they are murders. The rabbis rebuke him, as he does not have children himself and can he make such a comment.  His answer is “What could I do, my soul desires the Torah – others can have children.” The Rambam and Shulchan Aruch use Ben Azai as an example of one who didn’t marry and was not seen as a sinner. If one falls into the category of Ben Azai, they are able to go about the world alone and have the capacity to be great teachers and sages. The texts warns, that most are not like Ben Azai and people should not seek to live their life in that way.

I find the model of Ben Azai  an interesting look at being not married. One who is not married to a physical person, but rather is tied completely to God and the Torah, which can be quite beautiful. I question though, the phrase “what can I do”. Is it that that his heart cleaves to the Torah and that is all he can do? Does he not feel anything for another person?  Has he not found another person who “gets” him like the Torah? Or does he feel that there is nothing else in his life, and then then he must attach himself to the Torah?

The other model is one of waiting to marry the right person, which can be seen with  Banot Tzelafchad. The rabbis in Baba Batra (119b) praise these sisters for being deciders of law, wise and righteous. The Gemara goes on to explain what the sisters did to receive this praise, and we are told that they are seen as righteous because they waited to get married, until they found person that is correct for them – with even the youngest not marrying until she was 40.

On the one hand I find this model very appealing- we have an image of strong women who are taken seriously and praised despite their lack of a partner. We have women going against the mandate that all women prefer to be married than stay single. They are praised even more because they didn’t just get married for the sake of marriage, but rather made sure that when they did marry, they only married someone that was appropriate for them.  They were not just settling, they knew their worth and what they deserve and were able to be accomplished even without their spouse (and spouses that we don’t even hear about).

I then find myself asking,  why didn’t they get married earlier? Were they picky? Were they deemed too smart, too independent,too intimidating, too involved politically, and no one wanted to date them? Was it that they were willing to fight Moshe and few, if any, men were willing to get involved or associated with that?

I wonder for myself, if I am destined to be like Ben Azai or like Banot Tzelafchad. I can see a future where I follow my heart into the job that I desire, being with a community, building, teaching and leading, but my partner in this endeavor will be the Torah only. I can also see a future, where I will be able to take my learning and doing something powerful in the world, and in addition I will have a partner of flesh and blood. That even though I am getting older, I will still be able to find someone who will want to be with me and me with him, despite my dreams, knowledge, and actions.

But only the future will tell if my life turns out like Ben Azai or that of Banot Tzelafchad.

And now my life is like Banot Tzelofchad and I am so grateful. I am getting used to wearing a ring – something I have never done before, but also something that is a noticeable sign that I am in a relationship, and one that people do comment on. I’m also excitedly (and nervously) planning and preparing to move; move to a new country; move to a new country with a person; start a life with another person…

But for now, I am trying really hard not to get bogged down with the stress (which I am), and take in the joy and love that I am feeling and that others are feeling for us as well.

A Big Thing

I did a big thing on Friday… I sent in a cover letter and CV to a job in London. Now, if I get it, I won’t be able to take it till September at the earliest, so I am not moving any time soon… but I think I know where I might be going next.

I wasn’t even looking yet – who looks for a job in February for September. But a rabbi that I spoke with last week, thought of me for this role, and sent me the ad. And here I am applying. So it kinda just fell in my lap…which makes it even more intense in my head.

The applying for a job is a big thing – but maybe not THE big thing.

London is only on my radar because of M. And I guess (ok we really are talking about this) in a place where we are serious about having a future together. Friday was our 6 month-aversary, which also baffles my mind. I’m not really sure how six months have passed but also how close we have become in six months.

Last week I was in London to meet M’s family and friends. And well, it wasn’t all that weird. There were many moments over the week, that just felt normal. I didn’t feel like I was out of place or in a foreign place. And well, that kinda scares me.

This is the thing that I have been wanting for so long, and it is good. But I guess I am just afraid of the change. What if I don’t want to compromise – or he doesn’t. What if he finds out that I am really annoying and starts to hate me – or I find that about him. What if it is good for now and not for forever. What about all the other big decisions and conversation that will have to happen. What if we fight? Is this really what it is like?

I know that I am just being anxious at things that are going well. But they are also big changes. Moving to a new country (again). Making a new life. Being attached to another person (even if I really like them and know they like/care for me). Acknowledging the things I won’t do and places I won’t be going back to (at least for now). Getting a real job in the big world.

So here I am excited and nervous. Maybe my crazy whirlwind of stuff is slowing down a bit or moving….

Things are Slowly (Quickly) Changing

In about an hour M will be meeting my brother, sister-in-law, and closest friends in Jerusalem – without me. To say that I am nervous is an understatement.

It is a big step. Although he has met my friends in NY and Philly, these are the friends that I am closest to. The friends that are my family. The friends I speak to basically daily, even though I haven’t been in the same city as them for three years.

I’m not so worried that they will think badly of him or him think badly of them. I guess it is more wow, this is real enough that he would be willing to meet them alone. That he felt it was important enough to make a point to go to Jerusalem to go and meet them. There also is a bit of jealousy – I wish that I was there. I want to see my friends and have dinner with them. I want to hang out. I also want to be with them with him.

The past week I have been feeling quite overwhelmed and stressed. It was small things that were making me a bit crazy, and I know that it was bigger things that I was worried about.

It took a bit for me to figure it out, and I think I am nervous about the changes that are happening with M. They are good things. It is the thing that I have been hoping for, and I really do like him. But the idea of these changes is big.

Next week I am off to London to meet his friends and family. He wants to meet my parents. We started to talk about me looking into jobs in London in September.

There are also things that I have decided that don’t have to do with him. I decided I don’t want to look into jobs in NYC for next year. I also don’t think I really want to look into jobs in the US either. I don’t think there is anything keeping me here and I don’t feel a strong pull to be here.

I also realized (although I knew it all along) that no matter where I go I will be starting over all again. Even if I go back to Jerusalem, I have been away for three years. My friend’s lives are different, the city is different, I am different – so I will be going back, and yes I have people to call, but nothing will be how I left it (which is a good thing).

I am sad about the fact that there is a good chance I won’t be going back to Israel right now. I try to rationalize it with the idea that I kinda always knew that would be the case. Even when I was in rabbinical school, I knew that if I wanted to be doing certain things, I would not be able to be there. I think even with me taking a second year of residency, it was even more clear that I might not be going back anytime soon. There has always been the pull of something I wanted vs. being in Israel, and I have always had to make the choice between the two.

So maybe my feelings of overwhelmedness are really the start of grief and loss. It is the loss of home. The loss of place. The loss of that center. The loss of the hope I will be back there.

If there is anything I have been learning in CPE is that if I want to be able to really feel the joy I am feeling (which I am, I really do like M), then I need to also acknowledge my loss (which does happen with all changes in life) – which I think I have really been pushing away this year.

I Guess I have a Boyfriend

The past couple of weeks have been wonderful but intense. I don’t think I would change anything that happened over the past month – but now that things are calming down a bit, I finally have a chance to notice all the big things that have happened in my personal life.

Things with M and I have gotten more serious. He has met many of my friends and even started to meet some of my family. He is my boyfriend, and not just someone I am dating. Just writing that makes my heart beat a bit faster – even though I do want to rationalize that there is no practical difference. But I guess that there is.

He has met my NY friends, some college friends, and my brother & sister-in-law- all have said great things about him and how comfortable we look together. He is not in the country for the next month and a bit, and so I am going to go out with some of his friends who will be here. I am also hopefully going to London to meet his family and friends. It is real.

We have gotten to know each other even better over the past weeks where we have been together every weekend. Learning more about each other’s pasts. Each other’s relationships. Some of the difficult stuff. Even seeing how each reacts to different circumstances and some stresses.

Seeing him in stress was both ok, but also made me worry. There were things that he did that reminded me of the idiosyncrasies of my father. It made me wonder if that idea that we end up with our fathers is true? Or will I eventually come to dislike him or worse, resent him? Or am I going to be someone that has to care for him or will I be embarrassed by him?

We have also been more physical – which is something that is good, but also is intense, for me. I have never been this physical before, and I am getting used to it – but maybe they are not the right words. It is not that he is pressuring me in any way actually – if anything he is caring and considerate. But for myself I feel slow, fumbly and inexperienced. I feel vulnerable and exposed (yes I know that I am). When I am able to actually enjoy what I am doing then it is great, but every so often my head gets in the way and is thinking about everything and then I freeze and basically feel nothing. I am not sure what to do about this. On the one hand it makes me feel like a failure, but on the other hand I know that is ridiculous. I have been reading some articles to see what I can do – and so many talk about being able to relax and be present. He is really good at getting me to talk about what I am feeling, what is going through my head, what feels good — and I’m getting used to being open about all of that. I am realizing how much has been suppressed, how uncomfortable I am with my being a sexual being.

We also started to talk about the future. Of where we might be willing to live. Of would I feel ok living in the UK if he gets this project he is applying for. Or what would it look like for him to move to Israel. September seems so far away, but it seems to make sense that we are talking about it. I am still at the point where I can’t actually imagine saying goodbye to him.

So I guess this is what it is like to have another person. Somehow they are just blended into my life and me into theirs. There are the wonderful and nice things – like how easy it is to fall asleep when I am in the crook of his arm or the care that he shows when we speak after a long day at work. But then there are the big things, that are a tad scary – of how do I look for a job, how do I create a compromise that allows both of us to succeed professionally, or talk through the things that are vulnerable and exposing, trusting that it is from a place of care, and it is ok to be that open.

Woah

I just had a conversation with M about meeting each other’s parents. Of how and when we can make this happen. Of how last weekend in DC he spontaneously met two of my friends (we went out to eat and the only other customers were people I knew – and both of them were visiting from outside the city). Or this weekend he will be in NYC and meet my NY friends. Or next weekend in Philly meet some of my college friends. Or how the following weekend he might meet my brother and sister in law….

It will be a bit of time before I meet his friends and family as most of them are in London – which would mean me going to London, but we have to find a time that works for him and for me. So maybe some meetings will be by video. 

Things are starting to get serious….and I am excited and nervous and really unsure of what to do. What is strange is I only feel nervous when I am alone and thinking about it, but when I am with him, I just feel normal and comfortable. I don’t think I ever really imagined that this would happen. I know that I have wanted to have a relationship, but now that it is here, I am kinda scared. I have so many questions of what if – and I know that it is just me overthinking for no reason. 

Last weekend in DC was the most time that we spent together and I stayed at his place. I was nervous about what it would be like – and honestly, it was just normal. It made sense to sleep there. It made sense to eat breakfast with him in the morning and take the bus with him or prepare Shabbat with him. We had serious conversations – our differences about religious practice, politics, boundaries. 

And as nervous as I am about some things – I’m also quite calm. He just seems to care about me. When I am with him, I am actually not nervous at all, I’m really comfortable. It just feels normal. 

Well, if my goal is to allow myself to feel joy, then I should just enjoy this. Keep in the present. And allow myself to feel calm in the normal feelings. 🙂

Title – One Year – Virgin Embarrassment – Seeing Ex’s

Title

I think I want to change my title. I go back and forth between Rabbi  and Rabba, but I know in my heart I want to be rabbi. I just assumed that politically it is easier for others for me to be Rabba, but I do like Rabbi much better, at least in the US. As I am teaching less, and doing hospital stuff more, it seems like the right choice.

There were also new women ordained this year, and some of them are now going by Rabbi, and so I won’t be alone in my choice.

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One Year

It was approximately a year ago (give or take a few days) that I received my signed klaf and I became a Rabbi.

It has been a year with a lot of change – but unlike the past three years, these were personal changes rather than physical changes. I feel so separate from that place that I was in, while at the same time, I can remember exactly what it was like to stand there as the rabbis signed this parchment with my name on it. How it was at that moment I felt all my breath leave me in disbelief that such a thing was really happening. That the day of the signing was more intense for me than the day of the test.

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Women & Power

This past week I was on a panel to discuss women and power. I think that the phone conversation we had in private was more interesting than what we said in public. It was clear that there was an intention when we got onto the stage, and even more clear that there is a lot riding on what we say and how we say it.

It was an event to promote our rabbinical school, and so it would not have been appropriate to actually discuss the difficulties that we face, although I do think that would have been more fruitful. It would not have been ok to answer honestly about the struggles that we feel and felt, in our past internships, jobs, and even in our education. We were sitting on the stage to inspire people. To have them believe what we are doing can change the world – and is changing the world. We had to show them, that yes there are difficulties that we are facing, but we are doing ok, we are not breaking, we are not crying, we are not questioning if we made the right choice.

I learned in this panel, that with my job, I am actually in an interesting position to just speak my mind. The hospital doesn’t really care so much what I say, especially within the Jewish world. I can speak up and share my anger, frustration and disgust without fear of getting fired or worse. I can voice that I think the Jewish world is doing a disservice, without being shunned (and honestly, I already feel that, so it can’t be worse).

One of the things that I was most upset about, it was not answered – was I was asked to write an article. I wrote it. It was edited, which in general means just for grammar, and I am very thankful for someone to do that. But instead, it was cut and changed. It was not written in my voice. And when I said something, I was completely ignored. There was nothing I could do about it. I am angry that someone thought they had the right to change my words that much. If they wanted it to be shorter they could have told me. If they didn’t like my message, that also could have been said. But it was ok – because well, she too was a woman, and how could a woman take away another woman’s power.

People liked that article a lot, and I am happy about that. I will smile and nod when someone will bring it up, but it is not my words. To make it worse, is that she actually completely erased my words. She didn’t make a new document, or ask for my opinion on the changes, they are just gone.

So with women and power – I think that we do have power. We can have power. We have a lot to say, and I should say things more. But there is always going to be that little political voice in the background, holding us back, shutting us up, making us look and act in a certain way – so that we do our jobs, but with as few waves as possible.

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Virgin Embarrassment

A good friend of mine is desperately trying to find a guy to touch her. There is a part of me that is worried about her, and I have told her. She comes from a community where she was told that men and women don’t touch, and if they do they are sinning. She also thought she would be married by now (she is 27). She is slowly having open conversations with men from Jewish dating sites, and talking about what she is willing to do and not willing to do. And talks about the shame and awkwardness of telling someone, well, no I have not yet had sex, I don’t think I want to have sex with you right now.

I know I have shame around the fact that I have not had sex. That i am pretty inexperienced when it comes to anything sexual. Just last night I was talking to a guy on OK Cupid. When he found out I was a Jewish chaplain, his first question was “so does that mean no touching men and no sex?” I was annoyed at the question, but at the same time, the question makes sense. He wants to know what he is getting involved in – and if all he wants is to have a random hookup, I will not be the right person. I told him I touch men, and he then asked about sex, and I said no.

I don’t know if I mean no forever, but I do know that I mean no until we are in a relationship. But I am embarrassed by this. I am 32 years old, if I am not dating, I might as well have sex, or at least be open to it – it might make internet dating more open for me.

I realized how much I dread that conversation. I dread having to tell someone that I have no idea what I am doing. I am afraid that he will think less of me or think that I have some problem or think that I am some really sad case.

And at the same time as wanting this – there is a voice that says, well, you are a rabbi, you can’t have it even if you want it. When I went out with friends on Wednesday night, we were talking about men asking about sex on dating apps. Y said, that it was a gross idea if a guy asked for sex if he knows you are a rabbi, of course you are going to say no, and he just has a weird fetish. I answered,  that well, actually I would love someone to have that assumption, and maybe there are things I am willing to do, even though I am a rabbi. To this answer I was just glared at, as if I said something heretical (which I guess it was). But I do think that Judaism needs to discuss this issue. We can’t pretend that it is not real feeling, that there is sexual desire even with the title, and that intimacy is a real important thing.

But until then, it is just another thing that needs to be hidden away.

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Seeing Ex’s

A (the guy I was dating in Israel before I left) recently got in touch with me. He told me he was going to be in Pittsburgh for Memorial Day Weekend for a wedding…and randomly, so am I. It turns out HE IS GOING TO THAT WEDDING! Which is really random, and I have been thinking about what it will be like to see him. He asked me if we can go out when we are both there, and I said maybe. I have been thinking about saying yes and seeing if I would want to try again. I think, even though I am/was mad at him for things he has said, there is a part of me that is still desperate. He is the only person in two years that has actually been interested in me. There is something comfortable with him (or at least there was), but also I will not have to have the sex conversation in the same way – he already knows where I stand. I’m not really sure what to do with that, but it will be interesting to see him. I do know, that I just want to look amazing when I do see him.

 

It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

Over the weekend I read “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” by Sara Eckel. And throughout the entire book, all I could think was “YES, YES, YES…This is what happened to me too!!” I want to tell everyone who is dating, who is searching, and all those who are trying to set people up – they should all read this book! Everyone should learn ways to not internalize the stupid things that people say. I mean, more importantly, one should learn not to say stupid things – but being that we can only control ourselves, I figured I would start with not internalizing.

It didn’t try to tell me to be happy with being single. It didn’t try to tell me that I am perfect. It didn’t try to tell me that if I would change just this one thing, THEN, I would be able to find the man of my dreams.

It was so true. Yes, there are some great things that can happen when one isn’t tied down in a relationship. I recognize that I have been able to travel the world because I didn’t have a husband. Yes, I am still able to go out at night, because I don’t have children at home. Yes, I have learned to be my own support because, sometimes there is no one to come home to, and I still need to get through the bad day and get onto the next. Yes, I have been able to make my own name, please know me for me. Yes,  I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. But at the same time – I’m also sad and lonely. I want to have a partner. I want to have someone to come home to. I want to snuggle with someone. It hurts when my father calls me to tell me that a random person from shul, many years younger than me, just had a child- and I’m barely getting a date. I do internalize the idea that because I am not getting asked out that there is something wrong with me, that I am not loveable. I crave that connection. I do look around me, and it seems like everyone else is able to find partnership so easily, so there must be something wrong with me.

And so being single and 32, with a very boring dating life (not because I am not trying) has both it’s ups and downs. And this was the first book, that I have read, that really showed that. (So go out and read it!!!)

So here are my 27 reflections on her chapters.

1. You Have Issues
   • Yes! How many times have I been told to read books or to talk to someone or the general comment of “You’re not going to find anyone until you get right with yourself”. Really? Are you going to tell me that every person in a relationship is 100% with themselves and was the day they met their significant other.  And, yes – I do read the books. And I have spoken to a therapist. And I do try to do cool and different things. I try to explore and learn and grow. But, y’know it doesn’t always do anything. As Sara writes “I had a lot of fun, made many friends, traveled to foreign countries – the whole happy-single-woman shebang. But my love life, when it existed at all, was a random assortment of tepid dates, weird make-out sessions, and two-month what-the-hell-was-thats.  Meanwhile, people all around me fell in love like there was nothing to it. They moved in together, got married, had babies – often without the benefit of a single yoga class! I didn’t get it. I was the one reading all the books. I was the one confronting my issues.” (pg. 4-5)
   • This is not to say that I am perfect or I don’t have my issues – of course I do. But at the same time, I do see myself as a fairly successful, independent adult woman.
   • “What if your only “issue” is the belief that you have them and that they’re keeping you from a relationship? What if you stopped defining yourself as someone who is afraid of intimacy or attracted to the wrong kind of man? What if you instead saw yourself as a flawed but basically lovable human being? What if the only reason you’re alone is you just haven’t met your partner yet?” (pg. 7)
2. You Have Low Self-Esteem
   • Really?! Well, yes, there are times where my self esteem is low. And as she write, self esteem (as opposed to self compassion) many times is actually based on another person. So if you are constantly being showed that you “aren’t good enough…pretty enough…enough”, then no matter how many pep talks you are getting, it’s not really going to change anything. I have actually said this to close friends of mine – usually who are straight women – and said, yes, I do think that I am pretty, smart, interesting, etc , but it kinda means nothing when it’s not coming from those who I am desiring to attract. Women and old people can tell me these things till they turn blue, but at the end end of the day, I do want it to be a guy in my relative age bracket, who I am not repulsed by – so I can actually feel like there is truth.
   • This is not to say that I don’t have self-esteem. In my professional life (and I do get noticed for these things) I am actually really good at stuff. I am praised and acknowledged for my intellect, my compassion, my creativity – and so it feels great. When I start a new job or a new project, I do need to gather it in from my own being – but soon, there are new logs to the fire that help it burn. When it comes to relationships for myself, it is just my own pep talk after my own pep talk – and it makes me question if maybe, there is just something wrong with me, and I am trying to talk myself up to something that is false.
   • She write that self compassion is about seeing these things, noticing them, but then still finding love and compassion for yourself. “Instead of assigning blame, you simply take a moment and acknowledge the painful disappointment you’re feeling. You don’t try to talk yourself out of feeling bad – since feeling bad is a completly natural response to rejection. Instead, you channel that good friend: ‘Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it must be hard and confusing. I wish there was more I could do to make you feel better, but you know this feeling will pass. We all get rejected sometimes. No matter what happened with this guy, you deserve a great relationship.’ With self compassion, you don’t need to bolster yourself up or tear anyone else down. You don’t have to waste energy on the pep talk because you already know you’re just fine, regardless of what this or that dude thinks.” (pg. 14)
3. You’re Too Negative
   • “Most of us have done the thought experiment where you’re instructed not to think of pink elephants, and then of course discover that trying to banish anything from your mind makes it more prevalent – trying not to think of pink elephants wildly ratchets up your awareness of pink elephants. This is why instructions to “think positively” don’t work. ‘A person who has resolved to ‘think positive’ must constantly scan his or her mind for negative thoughts – there’s no other way the mind could ever gauge its success at the operation – yet that scanning will draw attention to the presence of negative thought,’ wrote Burkeman.” (pg. 18)
   • In addition, sometimes there is what to be negative about. Again, if I am not seeing results no matter what I am doing, it is really hard to become positive again, and again…
4. You’re Too Liberated
   • Really? And yes, I have heard this one. The fact that I want a job or that I am successful at what I do, makes it seem like I don’t want a man in my life. Or that people make the assumption (yup, they don’t even talk to me about it) that I am just too busy to date. Right now for example, I am a hospital chaplain. When people see me they say “oh wow, you are so busy”. NO I’M NOT – my job, most days of the week are just 9-5. Ok, I have class sometimes, but usually, I don’t bring work home with me. That means from 5pm through the next day, I am free!
   • Also, if I am not working (and yes there were times I had more than one job), who the heck is going to pay my bills? My parents aren’t. So yes, I do need to work, and sometimes more than one job, but so I can live. Single people have expenses too.
5. You’re Too Inimidating
   • OH MY GOD, YES!! I hear this one ALL the time. I really don’t get it. There was a time that I would never ask for help for anything, and I have learned to do that. I have learned to reach out, when I need it. I have learned to let others in. But I WILL NOT play dumb or needy, just to play. That is stupid. If anyone has a problem with that, really, I don’t want to date you, because honestly, I don’t know how long I would be able to pull it off. I am not able to have a needy alter ego nor do I think I should need to have one. I pray that whoever my partner is, they will not be intimidated by me, and I will not feel like I need to dumb myself down just to appease their ego, I hope that we would be able to work together and fill in the places that need to be filled in for one another.
6. You’re Too Desperate
   • Right, you are either not trying enough or you are trying too hard. Where is the that middle ground?!
   • “Marriage and family are eternally celebrated as one of the most important and cherished parts of life – for those who have it. But the single woman who says, ‘Yes, I’d like that too,’ is immediately dismissed as silly and sad. The fact that you want love is taken as evidence that you’re not ready for it.” (pg. 35)
   • Yes, there is a “shidduch crisis” and all the married people can talk about how people need to get married. Every so often there are articles about single women standing up in front of the shul begging people to think of her, and that is how she finds a match. But that woman is seen as sad and pathetic – she is begging in front of the entire congregation. I’m fairly certain that woman asked her friends and her friend’s friends to the think of her. She probably went on some of the websites, went to the Shabbat dinners, speed dating, singles events – you name it. It was done in an act of desperation, because only then will she be heard. But no one really wants to hear that I am single and looking for someone. If I say it, it sounds sad. They start to feel bad for me. They start to tell me that there is so much more in life than a husband. But yet there is a sidduch crisis, but I shouldn’t want it too much.
7. You Need to Be Happy Alone
   • “…women from across the county wrote me confessing their secret shame: Although they told friends and family they loved their solo life, in truth they were lonely. It’s curious: People talk openly about their alcoholism, depression, eating disorders, and sex addictions. But who besides widows of long and happy marriages admits to being lonely? It’s the ultimate shame.” (pg. 42)
   • Being alone hurts. It is hard to see everyone else together. Yes, I am capable of doing things on my own, and many times I have a great time. But at the same time, it would be so nice to have someone else there. Someone that will go to a weird Irish thing, and at least you have someone to laugh with when it is an event for small children. Someone to sit and have Shabbat dinner with when you can’t find an invitation or people to invite. Someone to wipe away your tears. Someone to sit with you at a dinner party, just so you are not the odd one out. Yes, I can do all these things on my own, I am totally capable, but it doesn’t make it any less lonely.
8. You’re Too Picky
   • Another topic I have written about. Sara writes that when we are vague we are told we “don’t know what we are looking for” and then if we give them the list, then we are “too picky”. So true. I also think that I deserve to be attracted to someone. If I find him gross to look at or I am just bored for the entire time I am sitting with him or he just doesn’t seem right – I should be allowed to say no. Remember, I am not supposed to be desperate…
9. You’re Too Available
   • Again with the double standard. You are supposed to not be too busy, but you are also not supposed to be too free. Wanting to love someone, being willing to date, being willing to actually (maybe) fall in love – well, you can’t show that you are “too” into it, that is also scary.
10. You Don’t Know How to Play the Game
    • This one might be true, I don’t know how to play the game – but I don’t want to play a game. I want to go on a date. I want to be honest and clear with the person. I shouldn’t have to think if texting him when I want to, will sound “weird”. I don’t want to be kept guessing if he wants to go out again or not. It isn’t fun.
11. You Need to Grow Up
    • Right… so what does this mean? Does it mean that I need to know how to call handy people to fix broken things? Pay my taxes? Fill out governmental forms? But appliances? Have a job? Be financially independent?Cook? Clean? Do the grocery shopping?  I mean if that is the case, then how the hell am I not “grown up”? It’s not like I have someone else in my life that is doing all these things for me. Am I still going out at night? Well, yes, because I can. I take care of my responsibilities, and so I am able to go out at night, go to a bar, go dancing. I’m not staying up at all hours of the night, because, well I’m just tired, but that doesn’t mean I need to just stay at home and knit.
12. You’re Too Selfish
    • Who do you think takes on extra shifts? Or is expected to go to an event? According to this book, it is actually single people that volunteer most often. It is also single people that go out most often – ie. helping the economy. Do I need to take care of myself, alone? Sure. Does that make me selfish? I really hope not (I mean, if I don’t who will…) But because I don’t have kids, I will go over to a friends house when they are sick and bring them what they need; or watch my friend’s kids so they can rest or go out; or make phone calls checking up on people.
13. You Need to Put it Out In the Universe
    • While obviously not being too desperate…
14. You Need an Action Plan
    • “…the classic Buddhist definition of suffering: craving something you can’t have…. You’re looking outside of yourself for happiness. You’re not okay with the present reality. The path out of suffering is to accept things as they are and to allow whatever pain those circumstances cause you – loneliness, frustration, even self-loathing – to simply be there without judging them. When you start to see these feelings as simple sensations, sensations that will pass, you realize they’re manageable. It’s the thoughts around them that get us in trouble: What am I doing in this place where no one looks old enough to drive? Where did I go wrong? That’s the salt that we invariably put in the wound.” (pg. 86)
    • Sara continues to write that you just have to do the things you are doing, and do them without shame or disgust. So swipe away, go on lots of coffee dates, go have fun dancing. If somethings happens great. If something doesn’t happen also great. Just notice the feelings, accept them, and go on (yes, that is totally easier said than done, I am SO not there yet).
15. You’re Too Fabulous to Settle Down
    • People don’t want to hear that I am sad and lonely. They want to hear the cool adventures that I get to go on. They want to live vicariously though me – how awesome it is that I can just pick up and go somewhere. They don’t want to hear about how hard it is to find friends. Or that going into public spaces scare me, and I just have to suck it up and pray for the best, because the other option is to stay home alone. Dating on TV looks like fun…dating in real life- eh. And just because I am single doesn’t mean I have a disposable income, if anything it means I have less – whatever I make is all that there is. Nothing else. And I think about that too, the money thing. When I look at singles events in NY (at least in the Jewish community) they each cost at least $36, but usually more. As a single person we are just expected to spend lots of money, but where do they think all this money is coming from…
16. You’re Too Sad
    • Well, from what I am learning, sad is an emotion. And well, as a human, there are times I am sad. There are times that being alone makes me feel sad. There are times that seeing the world the way it is makes me feel sad. But again, there are times that I am happy and excited and angry and overwhelmed. Mostly because I am human…
17. You Are the Constant
    • Well, you are the one that keeps on not being asked out, so obviously there must be something wrong with you. “Gradually, you paste together all these snapshots and start to create a story. Depending on your mood, the story can be good or bad. There’s the one about how brae and independent you are, how unlike some wimps you could mention you refuse to settle – go you! Except that you want to find someone and, truth be told, actually hate being alone, so then the story becomes about why you’re repulsive to prospective partners. Even if you don’t diagnose yourself with any of the aforementioned pathologies, it’s the story of something lacking. Other people must have that special something, some secret skill, some dog whistle that makes a substantial portion of the dating pool perk up their ears to her siren song.” (pg. 102).
    • Yea, it sucks. Yes, I am the first to say that there is something wrong with me. But then again – that then leads to sadness and desperation. And no one wants to hear that.
18. You Have to Keep Trying
    • Sometimes I feel like I do give up. And then there are times that I feel like I am doing everything. I’m on different sites. I am going to all the singles events. I tell people I want to be set up. I say yes to EVERYONE, no matter if I find them interesting/attractive or not. I go to non singles events, just to have fun. I become fun, I’m not just sitting at home reading or watching TV…but then still nothing…
    • “This isn’t about giving up. It’s about lightening up. By all means, continue to make your life as rich and interesting as possible. Learn to speak Mandarin, become a Big Sister, take that solo trip to Peru. But do them for their own sake, not as a means of polishing your life resume or reassuring yourself or the world of your worthiness. You’re already worthy. There’s nothing to prove.” (pg. 110) [Now, how do I etch that into my heart…]
19. You’re Stuck
    • Ruminating is bad…ie. over thinking is bad…ie. the think I do the most often. And honestly, I know that. Honestly, that is why I write. I try to get it out of my head, hoping that it won’t take over my being. Hoping that if I write it, I will work it out. Hoping that sharing, I will find someone, somewhere who will just make me feel heard, and help me not judge myself.
20. You Should Have Married That Guy
    • Of course there are people from my past that I think about, well what if we dated or I just stayed in the relationship. In my head, it might seem like a bad idea that we ever broke up. But every time I have thought this and then seen the guy again, I am reminded why it would never have worked out. I did make the right choice. I did not settle just to have a man by my side. My intuition is not totally off.
21. You Don’t Really Want a Relationship
    • Because obviously relationships are a goal, and if you do x and y, then z will follow….haha. I do want a relationship, but relationships have two people. I need to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with ME, and the real me, not some fake me that I put out thinking that I will attract more people that way.
22. You Need Practice
    • Dating is not what allows you to learn how to live with the person – living with the person does. Or living with roommates does. I know what it means to share a living space. And split the bills. And be considerate to others. And handle rejection. And hold myself when I have a bad day. Ok, so maybe I need to get used to having someone there all the time. Or get used to touch and touching. Or living with a man. But all the basics, that I know how to do pretty well.
23. You’re Too Old
    • Well, yes, if you say one can marry old. Will my age effect the way I can receive and give love? I really hope not. Will age effect my ability to have children? Quite possibly. And yes, I do think about it. But I can’t really imagine having a child alone and I don’t have the money to freeze my eggs. And so it is just something that I am going to have to deal with. That there is a reality that I might never have children. But I don’t think that marriage is just about baby making.
24. You Don’t Know Love
    • Yup, those who were closer to marriage (or even married before) know love more than me. They had the thing that is at the end of the tunnel, and so if someone was able to love them once then they should be able to find love again. It is a proven fact. The love that I might show (and receive) to my friends, my family, my coworkers, somehow that is fake.
25. You Suck
    • It is really easy to be angry and mean to others when you are angry and sad and jealous. The mean things just come out so easily, because maybe if they feel bad I won’t feel as bad. But usually that is wrong. I know usually for myself, I just feel guilty after (yay more negative emotions). It isn’t easy to show love to everyone at all times. But I agree with Sara, that we should try – it will make the world a much better place.
26. You Need to Figure out “Why”
    • “No one ever asks ‘Why are you married?’ even though the question is just as valid as ‘Why are you single?’ After all, people marry for many reasons other than pure love – fear of being alone, a desire for biological children, economic security, social status, health insurance.” (pg. 158)
    • I hate this question. I usually answer in a joking way, just to make it light. But really I want to say, I HAVE NO IDEA, F#($ You! DON’T YOU THINK IF I KNEW THEN I’D DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But instead, I smile and joke…
27. You’ll Spend the Rest of Your Life Alone
    • And that is my greatest fear.
    • “One of the most challenging things about being a single childless adult is that time seems more fluid and undelineated – months, years, and even decades can bleed into one another. There is less a sense of a road with distinct mileage markers – it’s more wide-open field. In this untethered state, it’s easy to feel as if you might float away if you don’t at least get some two-hundred-dollar frying pans in the cupboard.” (pg. 165)
    • This is also the most true chapter. I need to just live my life for right now. There might not be a time that I am married. If I want professional success I need to do that. If I want to live somewhere I need to go do that too. I don’t (and never have wanted) to just sit around waiting, putting my life on hold, for something that might or might not happen. It doesn’t make me happy to be single. It doesn’t make me feel less sad, hurt, or alone. But at the least, there are parts of my life that do bring me great joy. I know that I have accomplished quite a bit, and I am proud of those accomplishments. And I hope to be able to continue to accomplish and to grow (and to find a partner).

No Need For Attraction – At Least Not You

You don’t need to be attracted, you just need to go on a date.

Attraction will grow as you get to know him.

Don’t you know bodies change, so why base things on his they look.

Just don’t think so much.

You’ll get used to them.

Once you know them, you’ll know they are very sweet, and will always be honest with you.

It really doesn’t matter what they look like, how they hold themselves, how they dress.

Yes, others might not find them attractive, but you don’t mind, your really nice.

You aren’t one of those that judge someone on their looks or how much they earn or even if they have a job, you are just so caring.

We all have to go through that.

Married people think the only way to happiness is being married, so they just chose a guy to go with a girl – they aren’t trying to offend you.

You shouldn’t feel so bad about it. They are trying their best.

Sometimes you need to go through bad dates to find the right one. You never know.

Well, I am sick and tired of this. I am tired of not feeling attractive or desirable. I am tired of being set up with nebbish and sad guys, with the expectation that I will just ignore that fact about them. I am tired of being told by people that I am attractive and desirable, and there just aren’t great guys out there. I am tired of being told by people that this is just how it is.

I WANT TO BE ATTRACTED TO A GUY IF I AM DATING HIM. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH HIM BECAUSE I DON’T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE”. Why should I have to give that up?Why should I not want to feel attraction to a person I’m touching or who is touching me? Why does it feel like if I want to be with another person, I just have to accept any person regardless of my feelings and desires?

People are Having Babies & I Still Can’t Even Get a Date

Sorry about this rant, but it has to happen somewhere outside of my head.

This past weekend, I think 3-4 of my friends just had babies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am actually really happy for them. I am happy that they and their child are healthy and doing well. I actually have no hard feelings towards them.

But then I think about myself, and I literally can’t even get a date. There is no way for me to think about babies yet. The guy I wrote about last week, well, he came to my house for Shabbat dinner. We spoke during and after dinner, and that’s it. No reaching out before I did, and still hasn’t said anything to me yet since then. So once again, it might seem like someone is into me, but really they are not.

JSwipe is not giving me anything. Jdate isn’t either. At this point I feel embarrassed telling people over and over that I want to be dating, because I still can’t figure out how to do it. I’m going to shul every shabbat, specifically the shul that has lots of young single people, and yes I have some nice conversations, but nothing more than that. I even went to a singles dinner – and nothing from that either. This week the plan is to go to a few Chanukah parties, but well, I am quite pessimistic.

The other day I was called to a floor, as a woman both lost her baby at 21 weeks and had to have an emergency hysterectomy. When I brought this up with my supervisor during supervision (the time I need to talk about my feelings out loud…still getting the hang of that), he was like, yes it is sad and terrifying, but what does that have to do with your life and your current childlessness. When talking to him, I was really resistant – it seems so different than my situation. For me there is still a potential to bear a child, where as for her she no longer has that ability, and it was taken away without her consent.

But the more I think about it, maybe there is room for that connection, although that connection scares me (although I am not saying that it is at all comparable, it is a horrible situation to go through, and if I was her I would be devastated). There are things that she has that I am desiring, and can’t seem to get — mainly companionship, physical intimacy and sex, at least she has those. What if dating is not in my control, and it was decided from above that I am just meant to be alone – do I need to mourn the idea that something I want so badly is just not going to happen. What if I too am always unable to have a child, not because of some medical issue but because I am never able to find someone to have one with (yes I am aware I don’t really need a person, but I don’t want to have a child alone)? Is my singleness going to be like this horrible thing that happened to this woman?

 

What Should I Do Next: Dating Edition — Please Help

Ok, so I met a guy the other week at my friend’s shabbos table. He seemed really nice and funny. We spoke a bit, but not for too long.

Then two weeks ago, I saw him in shul in Kiddush. We started talking, but then we were talking the entirety of kiddush, like until they were cleaning up, and then walked out together still talking. During this time, he didn’t try to speak to other people – like when other people came by he was nice to them, but didn’t engage in conversation.

Then this past Shabbat, I saw him at this big dinner at shul – it was a singles event. I mean really a singles event – like they make sure to have equal numbers of men and women, and had assigned seating so it would be equal at the tables. Well, I saw him during the cocktail hour, and we started talking. And once again, even though people were coming over, he seemed uninterested in talking to them. At one point some guy started talking business, and my friend came by and we went to get a drink. She asked if I was enjoying my conversation and I said yes, so I went back, and his response was “welcome back”, and so we were talking until we went to sit down (we were at different tables).

At the end of the night we refound each other, and I sat and was talking to him and another woman, until they we actually moving tables.

Then the next day at shul, again I saw him at Kiddush, and once again we were talking till they were clearing out the room. I was going to go to a dance thing that night and he was going to a birthday party, that I was also invited to, and so we said we would maybe see each other later.

So then last night I went to the birthday party after the dance performance. There were SO many people there. I was talking to some people and then saw him, and decided to go over. As soon as I was there he started talking to me, and left the few other people that were there. And so for the next 2 hours we stood there talking and joking. And we left, he even looked back to make sure I was there (I wanted to leave, it was already 12:30 and I have work today). And so we walked, and as soon as we got to his place he was like “ok, this is my place”, and we just said goodbye. That’s it.

So my question to internet land is what do I do next? There are articles I want to send him based on things we spoke about, but I don’t want to seem clingy or desperate or I don’t know, some other negative word. I do like speaking to him, I find him smart and pleasant and kind, I do find him attractive…

So I guess the real question is how do I get him to ask me out on a date? (Yes, I know in theory I could do the asking, but I have been told that I am intimidating enough, that doing so only makes me more so).

So, any advice out there?