When Do I Stop Counting?

Today I was feeling agitated and I wasn’t really sure why. Now, it could just be that I am tired or stressed or just having an agitated day. But, as I was working on my spiritual autobiography for my board certification essays (please God, may that be done soon), I realized that next week will be three years since I left Israel.

Pesach was last week, this week is Yom Hashoah, which means that next week is Yom HaZikaron and Yom Ha’azmaut – the two days that make me feel the most distant from Israel, where I miss the genuine sense of loss, which leads into a place of celebration of joy; where it feels like I am celebrating my country, my people, my community – instead of a place that I love in my heart, but is 6,000 miles away; where I want to be in a tefilla chaggigit that is actually celebratory in the garden, with the music, and then go out into town and be within the world of Hebrew and the air that can’t be found anywhere else. It was also the day after Yom Ha’azmaut that I boarded a plane with all my belongings, not know when or if I will ever return.

And now it will be three years.

And now I know I will not be returning (at least not any time soon).

I am excited for what is to come for the future, even through the stress of figuring out visas, looking at engagement rings, trying to figure out wedding dates and locations.

But with all that, and I guess also this time of year, I’m more acutely aware of what these changes mean, what I have lost, and what I have gained.

I spent the first and last days of Pesach with my brother and his family. His 2 year old son Y, wanted to do everything with me. He would sit and snuggle with me, read with me, make up games, and even share his stuffed monkey with me. As I was sitting with him curled into my lap, with him putting monkey tail in my nose (he rubs his nose with it as a comfort action), I couldn’t help but think if I had been in Israel these three years I would not have this relationship with him. I wouldn’t get video calls from my sister-in-law starting off with “Y was saying ‘say hi auntie'”. I wouldn’t have a close relationship with my brother and sister-in-law, and feel part of their family.

In February it was hard for me to recognize February 17th, which would have been my 9th year of making Aliyah. And next week in the Hebrew date (in two weeks in the English date) it will be 3 years since leaving.

Now that I know I am moving again, soon to start an exciting new life stage, I wonder – when do I stop counting my moving and leaving Israel?

Playing Big

I was shocked today. I was going over my board certification essays with my supervisor today. He is kind, and really never has nor would try to make me be anyone but who I am. But in going through my essays, he was pointing out the places that the certification board might find fault with me. Now I am pretty ok with getting criticism, able to hold it, find something with it or throw it away. But here it felt like I was being told that who I am isn’t right, that the board will find issues with the thing I find as the core of my chaplaincy.

I was shocked in this. I was shocked that I started crying while talking to him. Because after three times of the same thing – showing the points that are “counter cultural” – like looking for joy, using small talk, being ok dancing – it might cause me “trouble” when I go speak before the board. And in having this conversation, it felt like I was being told that my way of being is “trouble”. This paper is very much about myself. How I am as a chaplain. What drives me. What allows me to be with people. And then to be told that I will have to find a defense because it “is not the usual”. I felt like I was given the choice of either building a defense or changing what I wrote so I would “fit in.” And all this brought up my fear of having my voice and my identity taken away; being told I need to do and think in a certain way to get places; that the only way to make it is if I lose myself.

I have tried so hard over the past two years to find myself again. To find that voice and strength I know I used to have. To be able to stand on my own feet and be proud of what I am doing, and feel confident again. And the reality is, in work I do feel that way. I am told I am doing a good job. I see the way that patients work with me. I see how staff regards me. But for some reason this conversation today really struck me. And maybe it’s because other things are going on — parts of my identity are going to be changing soon, and maybe I want at least this to be mine.

I am ok fighting for it. I feel confident that what I am doing is real. In all my examples of play and joy, they always lead to a place that we spoke about suffering. It is my way to get in deep.

In this conversation I was also thinking about writing. Where my supervisor said something, and my answer was “I’m not a good writer”, to which he looked at me very confused. He was confused that I thought that about myself, as what I hand in is concise and makes sense. And yet I still have this fear.

I have the fear of writing because I was told too often that I’m not good at it. I have the fear of “playing the game”, because the last time they tried to make me not me; make me use their words; make me be have their ideas.

While thinking about all this – and I don’t have full thoughts yet. I’m still a bit embarrassed and a bit confused – I thought of a book I read recently called “Playing Big” by Tara Mohr. It is a book that I was told to read for a book club I am joining. It is a group of women who will soon encourage one another to write and publish, and push ourselves outside of being afraid, and to get to the places we want to go. I really hope that will help. This book was really great. The ideas are beautiful and encouraging. It is a book that is leading people into a place of affirmation, rather than negation.

As I talked with friends about what was occurring at my organization, I heard similar stories, again and again, about theirs: stories about charismatic male leaders at the helm, men who made bold but often rash decisions. Their organizations too were full of talented, hardworking women in lieutenant and other senior roles. Those women worked longer hours, were more attuned to the details, and had more experience and knowledge. Yet they were not leading at the highest of levels, both because they were not being put in positions of leadership and because they weren’t sharing audacious ideas or initializing big plans. Their employers were utilizing their strong work ethic but not their brilliance — their unique ideas, insights, and talents.

pg. xxiii

Our usual cultural conversation divides the challenges into two categories: unfair external barriers to women’s advancement that women are victims of (discrimination, bias, poor work-family policies, pay disparities) and internal psychological things that women “do to themselves” and for which women are therefore to blame.

pg. xxvii

But in equality of men and women has also left internal effects in us. Over generations, it shaped how we think of ourselves and what we see as possible for our lives and work. It shaped our fears – fears of speaking up, of rocking the boat, of displeasing others. It caused women to develop a number of behaviors that enabled them to survive in environments where they had no legal, financial, or political power – behaviors like conflict avoidance, self-censoring, people-pleasing, tentative speech and action.

pg. xxvii-xxviii

Since women don’t talk to one another about the most vicious things it [voice of the inner critic] says, we don’t hear the counterarguments or get support, and we don’t learn that other women–women we admire because they seem so confident — hear the same irrational, harsh voice in their heads.

pg. 2

Many women find their inner critic speaks up most loudly around their most deeply felt dreams for their lives and work, because we feel particularly vulnerable about them. They experience the most panicky, overwhelming self-doubt when they are moving toward what they truly long to do.

pg. 10

Though dressed in the guise of women’s empowerment, all the encouragement for women to find the right mentors and right advice is often, underneath, the same old message telling them to turn away from their own intuitions and wisdom and to privilege guidance coming from others instead.

pg. 44

Younger women can’t find the mentors they seek, often because female leaders in their fields are so few or overtaxed. Or, when they look at those leaders, they don’t see careers or lives they want to emulate, and the advice they receive from them simply doesn’t resonate.

pg. 44-45

The traditional mentor-mentee hierarchical relationship is particularly tricky for women as they step into playing bigger, because that often involves their pioneering new ways of crafting their lives and careers or acting as a change agents in their organization or communities. As innovators, their primary need is not for someone who went before them who can show them the ropes and give advice based on what worked for them. Rather, they need tools and encouragement to find their own unprecedented ways forward.

pg. 45

‘It’s a failure of imagination. If people haven’t been taught how to use their creativity, how to imagine , then they can’t create a dramatically different reality than what they know today, because they can’t imagine it.’

pg. 47

We feel pachad when the ego perceives something it feels will wound the ego’s fragile self-concept in some way. We feel yirah when the ego perceives that something had the potential to bring us into transcendence of the ego….‘Yirah is the fear of dissolving a boundary, while pachad is the fear that I feel within that boundary.’

pg. 71

In rereading these quotes it is very clear to me what I need to do. It is clear that I need to write my truth, and share it. I need to share the things that are a bit out of the norm. My essays are not totally out of the box. According to my supervisor, they are actually really good. He is just warning me of being questioned. So I just need to believe in myself more, know that sharing myself will feel better than hiding my voice, and knowing that I should play big.

ps. I’ll let you all know where this all ends up. 🙂

pps. read the book it’s really great

Connecting – A Night Time Rant- But Really I Don’t Know What to Do

A short rant, this time at night.

I believe in connections. Talking to people, connecting people. Yes, at times it’s hard to put ones self out there, even for me. But at the same time, I know that it is only up to me to make myself get somewhere new.

I have a very close friend, who unfortunately lost her job about two months ago (she was not rehired for the upcoming school year). Now, truthfully, I think this is the best thing that could happen for her – she hated teaching, the school was not treating her well, and she was just staying stagnant and would never change anything anyways. But in any case, losing a job is very painful. I too would doubt my abilities, think that I am not “good enough”, think that no one likes me. And of course there has to be a time for mourning and greiving. But then there is the time for action.

Although she openly said she doesn’t like being a school teacher – those are the only jobs she applied to. She was not finding jobs that she was interested in, as she was only looking in a very small area and with very specific job critera. She was having a hard time finding jobs. And unfortunatly today, found out that the two jobs she was waiting on did not want her. (Again to be fair, it does seem like something weird is going on, as one school said they wanted to offer her the job on the spot, and then said that they aren’t taking her…my thinking is politics).

In any case, just last week we were talking as she was slowly getting worried, and I asked her who she has spoken to. And she listed TWO PEOPLE! And these two people are in the same world. She didn’t talk to any of the people she worked with in internships, or people she is close with that have lots of connections, or former teachers. Just these two.

So today, she called me in tears and in fear (also totally understandable). I got her to write an email to two list serves. I posted for her (as an anonymous friend) on Facebook (she is too embarrassed to do so). I sent her CV to three people. I sent her messages from people who responded to me. We looked at job lists. And when I told her she has to apply to these things tomorrow and send out emails, she says it’s all too much, and she can’t do it.

I am aware that she is hurting. Her self esteem is being slowly crushed, and that is a miserable feeling. She is depressed and anxious. And I know how all that feels and what it can do to a person.

And here I am really frustrated. Frustrated that she didn’t do these things earlier. Frustrated that she can’t see how great a person she is. Frustrated that she survives based on the affirmations she receives, and is always looking for outside approval. Frustrated that she is afraid.

Frustrated that there is nothing more I can do to make things better for her. (And yes, I know the best I can do is just be present, show her love and support…but even with knowing that, I am sad, angry, and frustrated.)

Marital Status – I am Still Myself!

A short morning rant.

I haven’t wrote about it here too much, I don’t think. But things with M are going really great, and we have spoken about getting married. And not just in the theoretical, but like where and when, and who will officiate. We spoke about when the official engagement will be (I am only aware of a general time, nothing specific, he wants to surprise me). And for a while now we have spoken about me moving to the UK, and now that is getting more settled too.

The move to another country is not easy, and the easiest visa to get (at least from reading) is a work visa, I just would need work. And the only way to get work is to network, which is hard to do when you are not living in the country…unless, you just know a lot of people, which thankfully I do. So I have started to tell, well, everyone I know I am looking for work – either in chaplaincy (hospital, nursing home, hospice, university); something in the realms of death or palliative care; something in interfaith work; or something in the Jewish community. I have reached out to doctors I work with, people I know who just do stuff, and people very involved in the Jewish world. Thankfully, people are very willing to help – so I have already had meetings with people, and gotten emails from people that I didn’t know before, so at the very least my name is getting passed around and is now on the radar. (ps. if you are moving somewhere or looking for a job just tell people, it is really amazing who people know and when they are willing to help.)

Now, here is the rant part. So I assumed that they would do a professional introduction, with a general “she will be moving to the UK in September” type of things. And that is what most people were writing. One of my friends from the Jewish world, in her introduction emails: ” One of my best friends, and a fellow alum, Rabbi X is getting engaged Bezrat Hashem very soon and already heading to the UK (back to the UK) to be with him as they start their marriage together. ”

Why are they being told about my marital status? Why are they being told that I will be engaged before I am? Why would that be anyone else’s business?! This also means that people in the Jewish community will know, start asking questions, and make M talk about it with strangers, who he might now want to?! Why is there no privacy?!

And when I asked her about it (very nicely, like thank you for all your help, can you not do that in the future), she said that she wanted people to know that I was serious about moving! Why would I be looking for jobs if I was not serious about moving?! Find another reason to tell them or allow them to ask me why I am moving!

So, even before I get engaged, just the fact that it will be happening (please God), my marital status in the Jewish world is what will help push my name along. That is sad and infuriating.

The Pain of Change

There has been a lot going on over the past week within the modern orthodox community. It is a story that I find extremely painful and confusing. In short there was someone who identifies within the LGBTQ community and was supposed to get smicha, and then a few months before the ordination, they were asked to leave the Yeshiva, seemingly because he was engaged to his partner. Now the articles seem to make it sound like it was an act against the LGBTQ community – which honestly, in just reading the articles, that is exactly what it sounds like.

But then there is the part of me that knows the rabbi who is making the decision, and knows how sensitive, compassionate, and innovative he is. Not only do I believe that I am missing part of the story, I know for a fact that I am, if all I am doing is reading the story going on in the news. I want to believe that he was not acting maliciously. That he is sitting in pain. That he only decided this way because he couldn’t find another way. That there are other circumstances that I am not aware of, and never will know.

But maybe that is also just all apologetics. There was an article I read, that I wished I had been able to write. The one that seemingly easily said, that they believe that we have the responsibility to welcome people before we are able to find a halchic reason for why. That if we find it a moral right, that should be the driving force and everything else will fall into place. And the truth is, I do believe that.

This situation was handled completely incorrectly – and it is not even about the decision. It is about when the decision was made. What were the public statements. When were those statements said. It feels like people were not thinking about the ripple effect that this will cause.

It needed to be acknowledged that there is pain on both sides. It needs to be acknowledged that when “those with power” are the ones able to make changes, any pull back is extremely painful for those “without.” It is true that the pull back might be necessary — politics, other people’s lives and well-being, the rippling of changes that will continue to happen.

Those who are “oppressed” need to be part of the conversation. The pain that this pulling back needs to be stated – otherwise it just feels like another slap in the face; another person who is dropping and hurting; another showing of the power dynamic at play.

In thinking about all of this situation and the issue of women rabbis in orthodoxy, I am brought back to “Pedagogy of the Oppressed”, and realized how I need to re-read that book. From what I remember, he writes that true revolution must come from the oppressed, not from the oppressor….

The problem is, I am not sure how that can really happen without leaving the community.