Want-Understand-Hear-See-Forgive-Trust-Count-Remember-Learn-Plan

So I’ve been pretty bad about writing daily. So here are the ones from the past week or so.

Today is my last day in the US – for an unknown amount of time. Today starts my newest journey. A journey, where for the first time, I will be joining a companion, a partner. A journey, where instead of moving to a place for the place or a program, I am moving for a person.

The past week has had a number of ups and downs. It was quite stressful actually. I was a bit stir crazy from being in my parents house, although at the same time, I felt bad about that, as I don’t know when I will be living at their house again, and definitely not alone.

M and I were starting to plan and get things organized for when I arrive. In this planning we have realized how we plan differently, how we organize differently, how the “essentials” of home are different. Again we have to do all of this from a time difference. This stage is new for both of us and for both of us we have extreme changes – new jobs, new homes, new stage in our relationship.

It has also been the week of saying goodbyes. Goodbye to people who have helped make my NY stint more manageable. Friends I did not expect to make. Relationships I did not have before I got here. And for some like S, it was saying our usual goodbye – although it did still feel different this time around. Something feels more permanent. Something feels different.

I am trying to trust in all of this that I am going to be able to find a job. That our home will be able to be made. That settling in and planning our wedding will go smoothly. That I will be able to a good partner and learn what it means to be in partnership.

So here I am, the same day I left to London 11 years ago – starting off on my journey to London once again, just this year I have a week stop over in Israel. Goodbye time in the US. It was not always easy or fun or where I wanted to be. But I can see, I wouldn’t be who I am or doing what I am doing if I didn’t have to come here.

Choose – Commit

Yesterday was my birthday – I’m now 34. As per a tradition I tried to start I’ll make a list of 33 things from this past year, and I’ll try keeping with the themes.

1. I moved to the UES and once again had my own home.
2. Completed a second year of chaplain residency. Allowed myself to struggle within myself again.
3. Worked in palliative care. Learned how to sit with people in the hardest parts of their life. Being present as people were in immense pain; as they found out there were no more treatment options; as they prepared to die; as their families prepared to lose their loved ones.
4. Became less angry at the Jewish world. Now maybe some of it is that I took myself out of a lot of things – but I also think some of it was me cooling off; me finding a way to see some of the good .
5. I think I found a more balanced part of myself. Finding ways to bring out my Jewish knowledge in my work at the hospital.
6. Tried to start two really cool and innovative projects. One was creating a platform for patients to virtually speak with one anther. One was creating a guide for rabbis and doctors to have a better goals of care conversations. Neither were completed – and I felt ok with that.
7. Presented at the NAJC conference.
8. Realized that I needed to leave NYC.
9. Realized that even though NYC was hard, I actually made some friends. That was an awesome realization.
10. Realized how lucky I was to have found a random apartment two years ago, as the two women I lived with turned out to become friends. And one of which is going to be in London too.
11. Found ways that celebrating Israel was not as painful as it has been over the past three years.
12. Became an aunt a second time around.
13. One of the best parts of being in the US these past three years was that I was able to get to know/be known to my nephews. Y, who is now 2.5 knows who I am. I was able to spend Shabbat with them about once a month this year, and that was really awesome for me.
14. My sister and I got closer over this past year too. We went to a number of Broadway plays – finally finding something we can do together without fighting.
15. I found myself in a really serious relationship. Who would have thought that saying yes to to a date at JFK would lead to this. Also, I was so sure it would never happen, so still in shock that I am not single.
16. Got engaged to M.
17. Got civilly married to M. So I am actually a married woman – not just in a serious relationship. 🙂
18. My first non-Jewish wedding was my own — which is kinda funny. 🙂 The wedding at the NYC Court House, was just like the movies.
19. My grandma was able to attend my wedding. Not only that, but she was the witness. It was really special for me that she was able to be there and take part in it.
20. Became connected to a whole new family, all who have new and different “rules” and ways of being.
21. Reconnected with my friends in London.
22. Dealt with the crazy UK bureaucracy of trying to get a visa (still waiting to hear what their decision is).
23. Chose that my relationship with M was the way I wanted my life to go, instead of going back to Israel.
24. Grieved — or at least started to — that I won’t be going back to live in Israel.
25. Started to plan a wedding.
26. Did adult things like have lawyers and sign pre-nups.
27. Became a board certified chaplain.
28. Sold all my things (except for clothing and some books) — again.
29. Became grounded and more stable — all to get back to being a nomad again.
30. Chose to go in the way of “settling down” – not really sure what that will look like though.
31. Learned that the collective noun for butterfly is kaleidoscope.
32. Felt the love and support of friends and family from all across the globe. It was really special to be reminded of all the people who love me (and M).
33. Feel more whole and comfortable and happy. Some of it is in the choices I made. Some is things that were happening around me. Some were from the people I surrounded myself with. Some because of God. 🙂

A few things I am looking forward to/nervous about/want to try to do in the up coming year:

1. Move to London.
2. Plan & have our real wedding in Israel surrounded by all of our friends and family.
3. Find a new job.
4. Figure out what field I want to be in.
5. Try to be more healthy – in all the ways. Making sure I am taking care of my mental health and doing things I love; actually making dr. appointments; keeping up with working out or finding ways to do so.
6. Build a new home – this time with another person. 🙂
7. Be patient with all the changes that are and will be happening in this new stage in life.

To end with a poem, “The Way It Is” by William Stafford:

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Decide – Seek – Prepare

I saw on Facebook someone posting about writing throughout the month of Elul, which started on Sunday, as a way to prepare for Rosh Hashana. I think the idea is nice, especially as so many things are changing in my life. I haven’t really had time/taken time to reflect, and right now so much of my day is sitting around just waiting, and waiting for so many different things.

I am on the brink of change and the place of the unknown. So with the “decide”: I decided to marry M, and with that so many other decisions have come into play, both ones that I am active in and ones that I am passively waiting for. I am still waiting for the decision on my visa. And depending on that decision, it will depend on if I can go on the flight I have booked. And then with more of the deciding, M and I have decided on a wedding date, photographer and band. We want to see the halls before we decide – which we will hopefully be able to do when we get to Israel in mid September, again dependent on if I get my visa or not. I decided to help a friend and watch her kid for the next two weeks, as her babysitter had to go be with her mother, this not only lets me help my friend, but also gives me something to do. I have also decided to go to the gym – trying both to move a bit more, keep myself busy, and to lose some weight (I think I gained a lot since coming to the US).

“Seek”: I am seeking what will things look like in the upcoming weeks and months. Looking for wedding halls. Looking for flights. Looking for the right dress that actually makes me feel pretty. Looking for a job, even before I really can apply to anywhere. Seeking help and guidance to make some connections and introductions and I am about to move to another country and restart my life, once again.

“Prepare”: I am trying to prepare for my move – although at this very moment there isn’t really all that much I can do. Preparing for the wedding – making sure that the small technical details are taken care of, as much as we can do at this moment. Trying to prepare my body, working out more and trying to eat healthier. Preparing for what it will be like to live with M permanently, and what is the home life we are hoping for and trying to build together. Preparing for what it means to make this change that feels way more permanent and long term than any other change and move I have ever made thus far in my life. Preparing to really say goodbye to everyone here – although I started for some time, and some of the goodbyes have already taken place, there are more to come. Preparing to start a life in the UK and really say goodbye to the dream of living in Israel – and what that is going to look and feel like. Preparing for this new year – as tomorrow is my birthday, what do I want this year to look like; or that Rosh Hashana is less than a month away. So much to prepare for, but I don’t feel prepared to prepare.