The other day I started to have doubts. I was sitting and thinking. Do I really like my job? Do I really want to stay another year? Do I really think that this is the right choice? What if I am just telling people that I like my job, but inside I don’t?
I was offered a second year chaplain residency in palliative care, in the hospital that I have been working in all year – which is actually really exciting and great. But if I take it, it really does mean that I am actively choosing to not go back to Israel this year. I have been enjoying work (although at times it is hard), I know that is true. I like the other chaplains. I feel like I am part of the teams on the units I am working on. I have connection to staff in other units around the hospital. I really do feel like I have a place. So it would make sense that I would want to stay.
But on the other hand, New York has been really hard for me outside of the hospital. I don’t feel like I have a nice community. I don’t have a shul that I really feel part of. I don’t really think that anyone would notice or miss me if I leave. And so I am wondering, if I like work so much, because outside of work is just so awful.
There is a part of me that does believe that God puts us in the places that we are meant to be in. When I go to that part, it seems fine. But I am finding it hard to stay there. I want to yell out and ask – why here? Why in this city that causes me so much pain and isolation? Why am I doing this? What is the greater goal? What should I be striving for?!
I fear that I no longer have a set dream, and because of that, I don’t really know what I want or who I want to be or what I want to be doing. I worry that I am doing this because it sounds good, or because it is safe or because for the first time in 4 years I won’t be changing every aspect of my life again (and doing that all alone).
I wonder who my authentic self is now? Now after having gone through rabbinical school. After living and working in different countries. Now after being forced to actually speak about my feelings and have people point things out to me. Now after having outsiders tell me that they are sad for me and that I should just leave my community (and yes, that is something I have started to think of and it doesn’t feel good).
I am just trying to figure out (again) who I am and where I am supposed to me. And I pray that this choice I make is an authentic one, and not just one that is the “easy” thing to do.