The passed two weeks I have felt on edge. I have been waking up almost in a panic, well sometimes actually in a panic (like dreaming that I forgot my pager at work and I was supposed to be on call, when I was on call the night before). I am able to go through the motions at work, and actually am present with patients, but then when I am sitting alone, I feel nervous/anxious, like I should be doing something but am not. I mean I should be doing something – I should be writing papers for class or board certification essays, I really don’t have so much time to finish those. But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to do them right now. When I sit and look at the questions my mind goes blank, and I have no idea how to answer any of them. Which I also know is crazy, as I have all the skills, I am just judging my words, even before they leave my head.
I also haven’t written here in a while. I’ve been thinking about writing, as there have been some big stuff going on – but I couldn’t bring myself to write. But here I am, 8am on a Tuesday, sitting stressed as I just did the minimum of what is due today, and also realized I bought the wrong tickets to a show, but can’t contact anyone because it is too early, and so I decided maybe now is the time to just write.
Yesterday was my half birthday. Oh how much has changed in the past six months. I like where I now live. I feel more confident in my work. I have a serious boyfriend. Overall (today is a bad example), I feel happy and mostly calm – although I also know that things will be getting more complicated.
Two weeks ago, M met my parents — and my grandma, and my uncle and my sister. It is real now. We have met each other’s families!
We have also spoken more seriously about London. We had a very serious, and probably the most difficult conversation yet (at least for me), about how he never wants to live in Israel. I think, for at least now, this is my greatest bit of tension in the relationship, that I basically have to choose him or Israel. I can’t imagine saying goodbye to him or not having him in my life, and the reality is, I haven’t been living in Israel for almost 3 years now, and the Israel I miss is not the Israel I would be going back to. But it feels like I need to say goodbye to Israel again.
The last time I left Israel was to get away from abuse, and this time I am leaving Israel for love. It feels different, yet the same. I still feel my heart breaking and tears coming to my eyes, but I guess right now the rest of me is also whole, so I won’t fall apart. When I move, I will have people around me. I won’t literally be on my own. But it is still hard to say that I won’t be going back. I hoped for so long that this move was not going to be permanent, that I would go back at some point in time – and maybe that is still true, but it is not going to be true for the near future.
I am not sure how I feel with being associated again as American. I do still want to yell that I am not, that I am not the girl who grew up in NJ and ended up in NYC. I traveled and lived in other parts of the world. I interact with other people. Maybe that is a bit of my fear of London, they too are a closed community, where people end up just staying, and I worry about what that will be like for me in the long run, and what that will do for my eventual children.
People are now asking me if we are going to get married, and I think we will. We haven’t spoken about it in full yet, but we have spoken about me moving, spousal VISA’s and even who we want as the rabbi at the wedding. The conversation is there, waiting to happen. Honestly I am both excited for it and scared.
Marriage and partnership is the thing I have been hoping and praying for, for quite some time. And I really do feel partnership with M. He respects me, pushes me, wants me to continue to be me. I just feel comfortable with him (don’t worry, there are also things that he does that I find annoying – I still see him as human). I really like the fact that he is in my life.
And then there is the fear. Is this really it? How do you know? Am I settling too fast? Should Israel be a stronger hold against him? What am I giving up? In the past month I have spoken to two friends who have been married for a while, and they are now finding out things about their spouses that they never even imagined could be possible. One finds out that her husband has been lying to her (and maybe even cheating on her) possibly for as long as they have known each other (over 20 years at this point) – and she is now left basically alone, restarting her life with three kids. Or another friend whose husband wants to leave their religion, and for various reasons, although they are together, she is alone and taking care of two kids. I am scared that no matter how much I can get to know M, I won’t ever really know everything, and getting hurt in these other ways seems so scary and overwhelming.
But then, I guess it is just about taking the leap of faith. Of knowing things will be hard, and hoping and praying that we will be able to be there for one another. That we don’t intend on intentionally causing harm to one another. I speak to many couples in the hospital and hear about their relationships, and for not a single person was it only smooth sailing. How can it be when there is just life and another person’s life (or if there are children many people’s lives) all interconnected and separate at the same time.
I guess maybe my stress is at a level of waiting for the unknown. Knowing something big is going to happen, but not really sure when. Not sure what my life will look like. That there are so many changes – marriage, a new job, actually going into a career path, finding “what I want to be when I grow up”, another person, a new country, a new city….well, just a lot of new.
Ok…maybe I can try breathing now.
Open Window in a Closed Space 