Here are a bunch of things I have been thinking about:
Pressure to get married: So my very close friend R, recently has gone through a really bad break up. She was in love with the guy, talking about marriage – and then they broke up. Even before they were dating she started to take dating very seriously. She also started seeing a therapist, and was happy to share her experiences with me and encouraging me to do the same. Now that they have broken up she is hurting, which makes sense. I am not in the country to help her, which I do feel bad about. But at the same time, she is even more intense with dating – not only for her, but for me as well. Maybe I do need to do more while I am here in Australia, but she does not seem to understand that Sydney is actually kidna far to get to and I have a job. That I can’t just go all the time, because, well I don’t have time. And when I do have the chance to go, I am there for work.
There is a lot of pressure to get married. I feel it everywhere. I know that I am going to be more attractive for a job if I have a husband. Everyone around me is married and having kids. I am not getting any younger (I’ll be 31 in a week). So yes, I feel it. But at the same time, it can’t be the be all and end all of what I do. I wish I could date. I wish there were people to date. But I also need to make a name for myself and get a job.
Sexual Conversations: So this might be the most out of my norm thing to do. My good friend D (or shuk boy), about two months ago somehow got into a conversation about sex and our bodies – something that we have never spoken about in six years. The beginning fo this conversation, actually took place over two full week. I would wake up to questions, he would wake up to questions and we spoke. We spoke about everything – what our bodies look like; sexual attraction; partners (or lack there of); how things function. You can think of it, we probably spoke about it. What is interesting is that we are still speaking a bout it. Not as frequently, but it is still part of our conversation. I have actually learned a lot about guys that I never knew. I also have been forced (not in a bad way) to think more about my own body and functions. I have also learned a lot about him and his personal preferences, but also things that he has noticed over the years that I never even thought about, or I thought were things that were forgotten or not noticed.
I know it is out of character, but I think that it is important to have such a conversation by now in life. I do trust him in many ways – I know he won’t share the information with anyone; I don’t feel pressured to answer anything that I don’t want to; he doesn’t make me feel ad about myself in things I haven’t done/don’t know, and doesn’t think that my questions are stupid.
He has asked if some of it has turned me on- and the truth is, that I think it has. It is hard for me to tell him that. I can’t imagine having this conversation face to face, or even if we had to see each other soon. He has jokingly/not jokingly said that he should just have sex with me to teach me…not so sure how I feel about that. Part of me thinks its silly, and part of me is like ok I don’t want to be a 40-year-old virgin.
I am not 100% sure why I am willing to continue the conversation with him. I think that part of it is enjoyable. Part of it is interesting. Part of it is exciting to actually been seen as a sexual being. It has definitely changed our dynamic, and it will be very interesting when we see each other again.
Canberra: I am actually really enjoying Canberra, well, except for the cold. The community has been really warm and welcoming. I am so lucky to have found such a job. It is a lot of teaching and preparing, but that is what I want. Soon, it will also be a bit more political, especially once there is an article about me in the newspaper and I start traveling with the job.
The job makes me laugh a bit, as I am very much not used to having people do things for me. Here the secretary will set up my classroom and does my printing for me. I have people taking me places and organizing my schedule. I have never had a job like that before.
The city is really beautiful. It is easy to forget that it actually is a city, as it is so quiet. There are actually times that there are no cars on the road (which makes it really easy to cross the street). Everything is so close, that it is only about an hours walk away or a 15 minute drive.
The hard part is actually finding kosher food. There is food in the super market, but there are no restaurants or things like that. This week I will hopefully be hosting Shabbat lunch for the first time, so I hope that makes me feel settled (yes I know, I’m only here for 2.5 weeks so far, I still have time to settle in).
The rabbi is trying to convince me to stay a few weeks longer so I will have time to travel. I am worried that school won’t let me or that my brother and sister-in-law will be upset if I miss the birth of the baby.
31: All the things that I thought I would be by 31, and none of it is how I thought. I will not be married. I will not have a child. I will not have a profession. I will not have a home.
I am happy with some of the things I have done – I have now lived and taught in four continents. I have started organizations. I have run communities. I have made a name for myself. But it is still done by myself, and to be honest is a bit lonely…
But what can be done. I am on a bunch of dating apps. I try to date. I try to do things with people. So I am stuck in the tension of wanting people around, not finding people, so doing it on my own, because what other choice do I have.
As I am becoming more of an adult in age I worry that I will become a spinster that is really knowledgeable, and I really don’t want that. But maybe I need to become ok with that…. (to be continued closer to my birthday next week)