Posted in Dating, Life

Just Lying There Being Held

It has been about a year since I have been held. A year since someone wanted to be that close to me and just lay there. I know that I missed it, but I didn’t realize how much.

I am not someone who dates often, even though I want to. I’m not someone who gets asked out often. I’m not someone who notices being hit on or people checking me out.

When a friend approached me and asked if I would sleep with him- not have sex- to actually just sleep in a bed with him, at first I laughed. I thought he was being funny, both in the request and the fact that he asked me. His reasoning was that he was lonely and he missed touching people. I also secretly wished that I had the guts to say that was what I was missing, and to just go ask someone I was close with to fulfill that need.

Even though at first I laughed and said no, slowly we have begun just being there for one another. A few weeks ago we had a Shabbat meal that was just the two of us, and the next day he came to my house and spent the whole afternoon with me, in my bed. It was weird at first that he was there- but then in some ways even weirder when he left. The apartment was quiet again. I didn’t have someone holding me.

July 4th the two of us went to the East River to see the Fireworks. We walked all the way down to the river and stood there, close but not touching, watching the fireworks with thousands of other people. We didn’t talk or touch, but I knew that he was there.

And then there was this Shabbat, where he was at my house again all afternoon. Once again we were laying in my bed, this time instead of just laying side by side, he put his arm around me. Weirdly it was something I wanted to happen, and so I didn’t even squirm when it happened. I had been thinking about him for the past few weeks. I don’t think I am attracted to him, although I am very much not repulsed by him. We have both been clear that we don’t want to date each other, but neither of us have anything else going for us, and there is a level of trust. It weirdly felt normal.

And so,  I just laid there savoring the feeling of being touched.  Feeling the heat of another person. The pull that feels like someone wants you just where you are. The light touches that remind you that you have a body and someone else is also interested in it.

via Daily Prompt: Savor

Posted in Life

On Seeing Old Friends and Starting a New Life

For the past week I have been up in Canada. My primary reason was to see my roommate from Israel. I missed her when I was there for Pesach because she was in Nepal on an internship.

Throughout this year we have had a whatsapp group (again I am so grateful for the internet), so we have been mostly in touch, but once again I am reminded the great differences of being in the presence of a person and just being able to talk to them. I really missed hanging out with her. I forgot about how she acts around people, what are her quirks, what is our dynamic when we get to be with one another.

She also had a very difficult year. For her, it was the loneliness and difficulty of living in a rural village in Nepal. Working with new people. Having some difficult situations with those people and literally having no where to go. She was faced with great poverty. She had to walk up mountains to get work. Went through weeks without running water- meaning there was little to no showering or washing clothing. She lived in a country where no one spoke her language, and she did not speak the language very well (if at all). Before I left Israel we spoke about her applying to this program, an dhow she wanted a new adventure. She wanted to be able to get out of her comfort zone and push herself a bit more. It definitely did that- but potentially did it too much.

I was happy to be able to see her and be with her as she transitions back into the everyday. I am also greatly saddened, because in only a few short weeks she is going back to Israel to be with our friends. The whatsapp group that was mostly outside of Israel, everyone but myself will be back in Jerusalem. It is hard for me, as it is already happening, there are less posts on the group, because people are able to see one another. They are hanging out, having shabbat together, or actually in the same physical space. So once all four are there, I know that the messages will come even less frequently. I know that everyone will continue moving on and growing and changing. Just they will all be together, and I will be doing that in NY…