Ever since making the decision to leave my program it has been both up and down. There are times that I was very happy about it, and there are still things happening in school that make me even more happy that I will not be there next year. And all the more greatful that I have another option that will help me fulfill my dream.
On the other hand, there are things that I will miss in school. And on top of that, it is clear that I will have to move back to the US in a years time. For a bit they wanted me to move back starting in September, which I fought back.
The idea of moving back to America is a scary one. I can’t imagine actually being in the US full time again. It has been 6 years since I have lived in the US full time, and to see myself as an adult there, I am not sure that I will be able to do it.
In the midst of trying to deal with the idea of moving back to the US, I am also working on a play, studying for my final exam, finding a subletter, getting ready for camp, getting ready for being a scholar in residence.
All of this started with rehearsals so I would not get home till past 11:30pm. Then I taught at Limmud TLV, which was fun. Although not what I expected. I think that the class that I co-taught was not as well attended nor was the conversation serious as I would’ve hoped it would be. After that I ran to my friend’s place, to then catch a flight.
Got to go to my parent’s new apartment, which although it was very nice, it did not feel like home. The building feels like a hotel, and there are no memories or things there…but they are happy, and I guess that is what is important being that i don’t live there any more. From there went to Sara, which was great. It is always amazing to me that we are able to be so close even though our lives are so different, and we live so far from each other.
Then I went to Cornerstone. This year, the fellows, I feel, are a bit less into it. But that could be because I was less into it. The stress of the year has really gotten to me, and I did not participate as much as I have done in the past.
From there I went to Philadelphia and got to see Asya. Then I went to Baltimore, where I saw a bunch of friends, both those who I expected to see and those who I did not. It is crazy to see how some of my friends have changed so much since college. I guess I too have changed, but they have changed in a way that I never would have expected. I hope that we are able to stay close even through our changes.
It is funny to me that I am at a point that I can be called a scholar in residence. I don’t see myself as knowledgable enough to be called that- but I guess I need to grow into it. Even at Limmud, when a great rabbi in London knew about me, he told me I just need to get used to it– that is true. But then the question I have for myself is- what if I fail? What if I am not able to do the things that everyone is expecting me to do? What if I can’t live up to other’s expectations? What if I never find a job? Or I want to stop being religious?
But now, after bouncing from place to place- I’m on my way back to Israel. Back home, and to work– for my test, and the play, and the wedding. And the stress of other people, and the falling apart of where I am learning…the only plus to all this, is that it is only for three weeks.
Three more weeks of school.
Three weeks to get everything done.
Three weeks till camp.