It is hard for me to belive that the first month of camp is already finished.
I guess in some ways I was running around so much before, that having a time of calm and quiet, makes things seem both endless, but also allow them to zip by. It gives me the chance to just sit back and do, rather than feel the need to run, sometimes like a chicken without a head.
It is hard though- I am still really bad at just sitting. I feel like I should be doing something, but at the same time I know that it is good and important for me not to do. But with recognizing that the first month is already done, it means that in a month I will have to re-enter the real world– and this time in NYC. It means that in a month and a half I will be leaving my 20’s. It means that I need to find a place to live, friends to be with, maybe a job or an internship. And all I want to do is curl up in a ball and stay there, and not deal with any of it. I want to just stay in this nice bubble of camp and teach, go to the art room to play, and sit by the water and read.
I also want to figure out where I need to be and what I want to be doing in life. I mean, in most ways I know– but at the same time, I feel like I want to rebel. All of a sudden, I have the urge to wear short skirts and wear tank tops. Even more so than ever, I have less of a desire to look/sound/interact with the Orthodox world. This is only problematic as in that is the movement that I have chosen at this point in time, and is who I am studying with. The more that I dabble in the world of egalitarianism, the more I want to be a part of that world. I want to be a part of a world where I don’t need to prove myself. I want to be a part of a world where I don’t need to beg to get a job. I want to be a part of a world where my behavior or what I look like will define everything, and potentially prevent me from getting a job.
I also want to find a husband. I am so tired of being alone- it is rediculous. There is only so much I can hear from other people about how great I am, blah blah…but then at the same time, I can’t find anyone. Well, not anyone…there is still tlv, that I think might still be interested, which I don’t understand. I think I have pushed away so much, but at the same time, he is still there wanting to be there. I need to figure out what I think and want from him. There was an article of how people are more attracted to those who challenge them– and I have to agree. As much as he makes me nervous, it is because I know that he can read me. That no matter what walls I might put him, he finds a way to see past them. This not only makes me nervous, but at the same time, sometimes is nice. Like at times he actually knows what to say or do, because he can tell what I want or need. I just wish that someone would say something nice or good about him- maybe then I will feel more comfortable with the idea of liking him. He just seems like so not a person for me- but he is the only one that is still around, and keeps on coming back after so many things. I need to figure out if I like him or if I just like the idea of him. There is something nice to being liked and wanted, and to feel like there is someone out there that is somewhat interested in me.
I guess I will see what the next month brings me. I hope that it brings good news for my dad. I hope that it brings me a place to live. I hope that it brings me clarity in what I should be doing. I hope to find love in the Torah again. I hope to figure out what I was missing, and how to find it again.