Posted in Life

Pesach

This year I went with my brother his rabbi’s family and it got me thinking a lot.

Siblings and family- This seder was three sister’s families eating and being together. All the cousins (and there were a lot) all knew each other and acted as siblings twords one another. Sitting there and watching this, it made me realize two things. One, that I never had that- my cousins have always been far away, and people I speak to very rarely. Two, it makes me sad that my children might not ever have that. There was something really nice and beautiful of how these siblings interacted with each other and how close they were, and realizing that my choice to live in a different country and be away will make that potentially not be able to happen for me and for them. Even though at times I feel/felt suffocated by family, I still want them in my life. I need to figure out how to make that happen.

Some thing about going to a different seder every year, now for six years, I realize that I somehow am forgetting what are the traditions (if any) of my family. What are the tunes, what are the jokes, etc. I also don’t remember much, except for being annoyed at the seder– that could be because we almost never had guests. But from going to other people here are some things that I hope to have at my seders in the future (when/should I have my own):

  • Family- as much family that is able to come should be there.
  • Guests- as many guest and different people to ease the tension of family/cleaning/etc. But also to add in different traditions or stories to make it more interesting.
  • Having people prepare specific things- that way everyone invited can participate. No one has to feel as if they don’t know enough to talk, and they had enough time to look into it. This might also help with people feeling comfortable to talk in the middle, because we are already building a place for personal comments.
  • Sitting on couches/in a different room for maggid– it is so much more comfortable than at the table.
  • Making sure there is water and vegis to snack on during maggid–it makes it so much more enjoyable.
  • Hitting people during dayenu– a great opportunity to get up and move during a night of a lot of sitting.
Posted in Decisions, Life, Lost

Decision

I finally decided.

I have decided to leave where I am, and join a different program comes September. This might have been one of the most emotionally draining/intense months that I have had in quite some time. And making this choice took even more out of me.

While sitting with my friend, and her forcibly making me send an email, I burst into tears. It was both out offear of the unknown, but also of immense relief of choosing. It took the breath out of my body.

For the hours after, I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t believe that I did what I did.

I am fully aware that I this change can and will change everything– I hope for the better, but I know that certain things will be more difficult. 

I made the choice to leave because every person I spoke to told me that I needed to.

I made the choice to leave because every year something like this happens, and then it is only temporarily resolved, and we are back to where we started. I no longer have the energy for this fight. I deserve better. I am taking my power to choose- I too have the choice to say no, and stop this cycle.

I made the choice to leave because I want to be in a place that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don’t want to be somewhere that is still trying to figure out what they want to be doing. I don’t want to be somewhere that doesn’t think highly of the students that they are trying to train.

I made the choice to leave because I want to be somewhere that the other students are happy, and are learning, and pushing. I burnt out because I felt like a lot of the fighting was done on my own. That I didn’t have other people there with me, even though they told me that they too wanted change.

I made the choice to leave because I need to do what is best for me. Being here was making me so down, that I wasn’t able to do anything at all. Maybe I gave up– that could be true. But, if I felt like I had nothing to give to the fight now, then what will I do when I really have to fight in the real world.

I hope that this new path is the correct one. I hope that it brings me what I want and need. I hope that it will allow me to grow and change, and be there to push me up, and not down.