Posted in Life

I Really Hate Being Sick

I would say I get sick about once a year. It is rare that I get just a cold. If I get sick, I get really sick – like can’t leave my bed for a week, and unfortunately this past week was that week.

It started out thinking that it might be a cold. And then I was in class, and as the day went on, I just felt worse and worse, probably with a fever. I thought I had bronchitis (the usual suspect) and went to the doctor, got medicine and then stayed in bed over the weekend. By Sunday I was feeling ok, not 100%, but doing ok, and Sunday I had no fever. So Monday I went to work, but only a few hours in, I felt pretty awful again. I went home early from work, and low and behold I had a fever again and was coughing pretty badly…but I had been taking antibiotics since Friday. So Tuesday morning, when I woke up feeling awful and feverish, I went back to the doctor. They checked, and I didn’t have the flu or pneumonia, and because I had just finished zpac, they sent me home and said to rest, drink, and if I still have a fever in three days to come back. Well, I had a fever through Thursday. I laid in bed coughing terribly, both hot and cold, and just well, feeling awful. I couldn’t move. I had no energy. And unless I was drugged (and sleeping) I was coughing, and there was nothing I could do. Because of all this, I had to cancel my trip to California, where I was supposed to go to a chaplain conference – but there was no way I could travel feeling that way (it was actually good that I canceled, even though I am sad that I missed out on a fun time). Finally by Friday, I had no fever – but I still felt sick, this time like I had a head cold. Saturday, I was feeling a bit better, now just a cold. And today Sunday even better, it feels just like the end of a cold – but I am still trying to take it easy.

It was a really long and exhausting week. And well, I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things. I’ll start with the good things:

  • I am very thankful that my parents are alive, well, and live close to me. That they were checking in and worried about me, even though I am an adult. That they were willing and able to come into the NY to pick me up and take me to their house for Shabbat, so I would be able to just rest. That they were understanding that all I needed to do this weekend was to sleep and eat, and that is what they let me do.
  • I am very thankful that I have friends and colleagues that checked on me daily. It really meant a lot that people wanted to make sure that I was ok, taking care of myself, and willing do things if I needed it.
  • I am very thankful to my roommates, who although I sounded like death, didn’t send me away. And also offered to help take care of me – even going out of their way to buy me soup and food to eat.
  • I am thankful to having good health insurance that covered my medications and doctors visits. [I know that is, unfortunately, a luxury here in the US – and I pray that somehow that can change in the near future]
  • I am thankful to having medications that are able to fight things, help people get better.
  • I am thankful to the internet for having movies so I was occupied during the day. And also that there are so many ways we can be connected nowadays, and so even though I did feel alone at times, it was also easy to try to reach out to people.

Things that made me sad:

  • All I could think of is how similar I am to those who go to the hospital with no family. That if God forbid I had to go to the ED or get admitted, there would be no one that would sleep at my bedside. That I would spend most of the time alone. Or it would be my mother at my side – not my husband or boyfriend.
  • That although people offered to get things for me and do things for me, no one actually showed up. My roommates never knocked on my door to check on me. There was no one I was really willing to let in from the outside to see me in my grossness or lack of underwear. There was no one to make me tea or bring me food in bed. (yes, I know those are all extras – but I still wanted them).
  • I felt really lonely. Like really, really lonely. All I wanted was to talk to people, but I didn’t know who to reach out to. I didn’t even really have the energy to talk, but I wanted to not feel alone.
  • Because I had so much time, and not so much energy, I think I spent too much time swiping on dating apps. But it made me realize I have been swiping for a while and paying for this website for a while – and I still have not gone on any dates. Really what is wrong with me?
  • I also had not a lot of energy to do real things, so I watched a lot of romantic comedies. I really miss being kissed and touched. And why won’t those stories happen in real life? (or at the very least, just a date – maybe a bit of kissing? When I’m not sick, I don’t think I’m that awful to look at)
  • Going to my parents was really an amazing thing, and I am very thankful. But at the same time it reminded me that I don’t have a partner. I felt like a little girl again. Not really because of anything that my parents did. But here I was sick and the people taking care of me were my parents. That every time I come to their house it is just me alone sleeping in the bed. Every time they mention that someone else is married or had a baby, I feel like a pin goes into my heart, reminding me that I am not yet doing that for them – and I’m not even close. That I am still their little girl. That I have a job, but it’s unclear what will happen next. Or that they are trying to clear out storage – and there is stuff of mine, but I don’t want to take it because I have no where permanent (or semi-permanent) to bring it to.

I guess in short – being sick made me realize that I have much more than I thought I do here, and I am very thankful for that. But at the same time, it made me feel really alone.

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Posted in CPE

My Week So Far…Yes It is Only Monday

Walking down the hallway, I am greeted by a little boy running out of his mother’s hospital room. He seems me and smiles. I ask if I should come inside, and he says yes so I follow him. He is running around, jumping around, showing off his toys, playing hide and seek, while his mother tells me he is just putting on this show for me. I sit down, and sit with his mother, we talk a bit of how she is feeling, if there is any new news. While this is happening, her son is playing loudly with her husband, playing with his trucks and stuffed animals. She is laying in her bed talking about going home to hospice, unable to move because of extreme pain in her legs, looking over at her husband and son playing. She pauses, stares into space – when I ask her what she is thinking about, she says nothing. I can’t help thinking that she is taking a glimpse into what will their live be like without her.

I go upstairs and bump into a doctor. She asks me if I am following a patient, and I say yes, did something happen. The doctor starts to tell me, as we bump into her 5 1/2 year old son and 2 1/2 year old daughter walking with a family friend. The son, in a stage whisper tells the friend to tell us that his mommy is going to heaven. He was just coming from a meeting with his family and the child life specialist, where they told him that his mother is going to die. I asked him how he feels about this information, he said he is good – he will always have pictures of his mom and she will always live in his heart. He then tells me he passed kindergarten and will be going to the first grade, shows off how he can lift up his sister, and we all (including the doctor) have a spontaneous dance party together. We say our goodbyes, as the kids go to the gift shop, to enter into the family meeting; a room full of tears and love. Today I tried to go and see her, she was asleep (I was told she is no longer able to speak), and her mother was there on the phone and told me not now. The most shocking part was the patient was laying there with her entire chest exposed – as if nothing matters any longer.

I was asked to go to a room to visit a woman. I was warned before I went in. I was told she has no face. It was eaten away by her cancer, and she is still alive. I was warned that she can’t really speak, because she has no lips. I was warned that it’s not only her skin that was eaten away, but also part of her skull. I was told by someone who met her late last week, that she is alone. Her husband died 15 years ago, and she just never got treatment for herself. She had a neighbor that would come and feed her ensure (although not sure how she was able to drink it).  I have really no words to describe what I saw – but it was horrifying. There is nothing there…no nose, no mouth, her eye balls are drooping down, and look like melted candles. I came in, I said hello and introduced myself. I was told that she is able to write and move her hands, and there was no movement. I waited a few minutes, and then walked out. All I could think was she is alone in the world and literally has no face. But I will try to see her tomorrow.

I walked onto my unit and all I heard was screaming and I saw people running, but I was unsure of what happened. When I asked the first person I saw, all they said was the room number – a patient who tried to overdose and suffers from anorexia. I walked around the nurses station to see what was happening, and all I saw was a bunch of staff surrounding a patient on the floor, and her mother was on the side watching and holding herself. Eventually the patient was carried back into her room. I tentatively approached her mother. Just stood there, because I had no idea what to say or even if she wanted someone there with her. The nurse came and asked me to go get the bags from the room and if I could sit with the mother in the family room. And so I did. I was thankful (although at the beginning nervous) because my supervisor was with me – but by him being there this woman was never alone. I came back and we went to sit down. She started telling us that she has been through this over the past 10 years, and it feels like nothing can be done. She has researched treatments and has tried almost everything that is available in the US at this time. She has even looked into going abroad. Her daughter is suffering and all she can do is be there and watch, and pray that the treatments she is sending her to are the right ones. She is there watching her daughter starve herself, hurt her body, and even try to die. Her daughter has told her, that the only reason she is staying alive is because killing herself would her her too much. While we are sitting together, her daughters calls, hysterically crying, wanting her mother by her side. I went to find the nurse to see if that is ok. The one I found said yes, and so the mother slowly pulls herself together to go and sit by her daughters side once again. Knowing that the fight for her daughters life is not over. Knowing that the fight of just being alive today is not over. Knowing that her daughter has no desire to live or change or get help, and she will have to force her to do so. Knowing that the care her daughter needs makes her daughter feel like she is suffering, and there is nothing she can do, unless she doesn’t want her daughter to be alive.

And today is only Monday….

Posted in Life, Uncategorized

When You are Angry Instead of Joyous

Yesterday was exactly one year since my ordination – which I really can’t believe that is true. Last night was this year’s ordination. I went to celebrate with this year’s class.

Looking back a year ago, ordination was this very exciting, happy, somewhat overwhelming day – but I felt really great. This year, I just felt angry and agitated, and I am not really sure why.

It might be because I received an email at 4:15 telling me that if I wanted to be in pictures, I needed to be there by 5:30. Or the email that I received as I jumped into a cab to try to maybe get there somewhat on time, that lining up was at 6:20, only to find out that it was really at 7:20, and that there was a dinner reception first. Maybe it was because I was just overtired and hungry coming off a 26 hour shift.

I did get to see a good friend of mine who happened to be in from Israel. I did speak to one of the alum, who actually made me feel good about what I am doing and where I can go with it. I did see the teachers that I actually did learn with and work with, and was happy to see and be with them.

But for the most part, it was like entering into a space that I have not really been in for a while. It was having to do the small talk, the talk about how great things are, the talk about how beautiful and wonderful this institution is. It was seeing the teachers say a “hello and how are you”, but really didn’t want to hear how I am doing. It was the knowing that there is an alumni day and was a meeting that day, that I couldn’t go to because I was at work, and I should not expect there to be a day for me to join in. There was seeing the director of the program I was part of in Israel, and him coming over to speak to me with that false disgusting smile, and I had to speak nicely.

But I sat there through the ceremony, and I really didn’t feel part of it. I didn’t feel part of the excitement or happiness. Many of the alumni come back every year, and speak about how this night gives them the extra juice to continue doing what they are doing – and I honestly couldn’t relate.

I did dance at the end. I thought that if I force myself to sing and dance then maybe I will receive some of the joy. It worked a bit – I was more joyful than when I arrived in a rush. But I didn’t feel like I was floating after (as I did definitely last year, but also the previous year). I didn’t feel excited for the Jewish people. I didn’t feel like I had just left a very joyous occasion.

 

Posted in CPE

It Was Just a Bad Day

I need to write a d’var Torah for tonight – but I can’t think.

My head is whirling after today. The morning was fine – actually quite good. It was the afternoon that sucked. I finally had the courage to talk about what I am feeling in my work to my group, and well, I felt worse after. We are told that this is a place to receive care, but I didn’t feel cared for. I felt scrutinized. I felt that even though I shared, I shared incorrectly. I was not able to ask for what I wanted – which thinking back, I think all I wanted was for it to be acknowledged that it is hard, nothing more and nothing less. Or maybe what I wanted was to push back on feedback I received earlier this year that I only ever bring the things I feel good about – but here I was bringing the thing that is making me cry daily for the past two weeks, and really I just feel worse.

I feel like I failed the group – even though I know it is not my fault and I know I should not feel that way. I feel like I was in a double bind spot  – of accepting what others say so the conversation can move or to constantly tell people I am not being met, which then I get looks of exasperation, or told later that I am trying to get attention, or just met with frustration that the conversation can’t go on. It is times like these that I wish that I said nothing at all, that someone else would have started the conversation, that we can focus on someone other than me, because the focus on me always feels bad.

I’m annoyed with something someone said, but also not clear if I will say anything – mostly because I don’t think it will do any good, nor do I think I will be able to say it nicely, but I guess I could surprise myself. To be told that I speak with a voice of authority, and sometimes it sounds like I am the only one who knows – there can be truth to that, I am sure. I know that I had to learn how to hold that voice, to make sure that I am heard. But at the same time, I don’t think that is always true. I think that most of the time I just go with what the majority wants, and many times if I bring a suggestion it is just shot down. I have been fighting with the material this year, because I actually don’t agree with it. I have been reading it and using it, and I am finding the faults. I am annoyed that this person can speak like this to me, because I feel like they too speak with a word of authority, and speak that the only way to do this well is to delve into the emotions head on, I never feel heard by them when I speak a different voice. I feel like they take over the room because they are the experts and know exactly what to do and how to do it, and it is ok if they need support when they are upset or going through a tough time.

I felt like I was not allowed to feel what I was feeling. I left still feeling sad about the past two weeks, still sad over the stuff I know I will be doing in the upcoming weeks. I feel sad that I made everyone else feel upset and frustrated and hurt.

Here’s to hoping writing this out of my head, helps me to focus on what I need to get done.

Blah….

Posted in Life

Reconnecting

I feel funny this morning.

I’m here in Pittsburgh, and A is here. The guy I dated two years ago. I really didn’t know what to expect, when he told me that he was randomly going to be there for a week, and then it turned out that I would be here too.

On Friday we went on a boat tour of Pittsburgh. I thought it was going to just be seeing an old friend, but then we started talking. Really talking – talking about our relationship two years ago, talking about the breakup and how I felt, very fast we go to speaking about the what ifs, and that we both miss each other.

Then he was at Shabbat dinner with me. And I really didn’t know how to react to him. There are things that haven’t changed at all. There is definitely a feeling there that is the same as it was those two years ago. And that feeling really does make me nervous. It is the feeling that he cares for me, that he can see me, that he is drawn to me – and it is not only something a feel, but something he says aloud.

Last night we sat on the porch of my host’s house watching the rain pour down, talking for hours. Somehow the conversation lead to a conversation about marriage and children. We spoke about attraction and what we are feeling. How to have both the feelings , but also acknowledge that there is something there. Honestly, I was both overwhelmed and comfortable at the same time. Last night, he was so sure, and I was so not sure. It felt too early to talk about a long term future together. We haven’t seen each other in two years – I know I have changed and of course he has too. But there is something there…but it is too soon. I went to bed with my head whirling. I looked back at posts that I wrote when we were “not talking” to each other, right before we actually ended it. I was reminded of the intense feelings that I had for him back then, and the reality of how that felt today – that some of it was still there. My brain was just whirling with thoughts and feelings, and so unsure what to do.

And today we met up for breakfast. He had his rational head on, and now was feeling overwhelmed. It was intense to see him. I have so many conflicting feelings and am getting used to sharing them with him, as I am different. We were trying to plan, but it is really unplannable. He has to play for the wedding, and it is too overwhelming to think about all this too. There is just not enough time to be together and to actually talk about all that we need to talk about. Do we start a long distance thing, knowing that we won’t be able to see each other. Are we really meant to do this? Are we thinking to far into the future before we have a present?

I am trying really hard to just be in the moment. I am trying really hard to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, and to just allow that to be ok – and maybe even to share those feelings with him. I honestly do not know what I want, but I do know that there is a certain comfort of just being with him.

 

via Daily Prompt: Premature

Posted in Life

My Year in Books #2

When I moved to the US in May 2016, I decided to keep a log of the books I read, mostly to see how many full books a year I read. So keeping with the tradition I started last year – here are the 2017/2018 books. My favorites are in bold.

Shtum Jem Lester 27/5/2017 313
Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk Kathleen Rooney 29/5/2017 284
How to be Single Liz Tuccillo 31/5/2017 404
All Grown Up Jami Attenberg 2/6/2017 197
The Romance Reader’s Guide to Life Sharon Pywell 3/6/2017 308
The Antiques Kris D’Agostino 304
Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World Adam M. Grant   326
The Bookshop Penelope Fitzgerald 123
How to be Everything: A Guide for those Who (Still) Don’t Know What They Want to be When They Grow Up Emilie Wapnick 5/6/2017 203
Ninette of Sin Street Vitalis Danon 84
The Wide Circumference of Love Marita Golden 10/6/2017 292
The Weight of Ink Rachel Kadish 17/6/2016 567
In the Stacks: Stories about Libraries and Librarians Michael Cart 21/6/2017 288
An Alphabetical Life: Living it Up in the World of Books Wendy Werris 23/6/2017 284
My Life with Bob: Flawed Heroine Keeps Book fo Books, Plot Ensues Pamela Paul 24/6/2017 256
Letters to a Young Poet Rainer Maria Rike 30/6/2017 80
Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine Gail Honeyman 4/7/2017 327
We Should All Be Feminists Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 15/7/2017 52
The Someday Jar Allison Morgan 18/7/2017 343
The Idiot Elif Batuman 22/7/2017 423
My Italian Bulldozer Alexander McCall Smith 27/7/2017 240
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? Mindy Kaling 29/7/2017 222
The Heartbreak Hotel Jonathan Kellerman 30/7/2017 368
Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race Margot Lee Shetterly 19/8/2017 349
The Book of Speculation Erika Swyler 20/8/2017 339
Chemistry Weike Wang 25/8/2017 211
Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows Balli Kaur Jaswal 26/8/2017 293
How to Behave in a Crowd Camille Bordas   319
Extraordinary Adventures Daniel Wallace 328
Cake Time Siel Ju 208
Cities I’ve Never Lived In: Stories Sara Majka 28/8/2017 192
The Rules Do Not Apply Ariel Levy 2/9/2017 207
The Peculiar Life of a Lonely Postman Denis Theriault 137
Very Valentine Adriana Trigiani 5/9/2017 367
Careers for Women Joanna Scott 8/9/2017 304
Girls Who Travel Nicole Trlivas 9/9/2017 336
Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome Ty Tashiro 13/9/2017 288
Britt-Marie Was Here Fredrik Backman 16/9/2017 324
The Correspondence JD Daniel 17/9/2017 144
Books for Living Will Schwalbe 20/9/2017 288
Forest Dark Nicole Krauss 2/10/2017 304
The Secret Life of the Mind: How Your Brain Thinks, Feels and Decides Mariano Sigman 288
How to Find Love in a Book Shop Veronica Henry 5/10/2017 336
The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness Jill Filipovic 6/10/2017 336
Sourdough Robin Sloan 7/10/2017 262
The Art of Death: Writing the Final Story Edwidge Danticat 12/10/2017 181
A Girl Walks into a Book: What the Brontes Taught Me about Life, Love and Women’s Work Miranda K Pennington 14/10/2017 320
Furiously Happy: A Funny Book about Horrible Things Jenny Lawson 329
The Secret Room Sandra Block 368
Hey Harry, Hey Matilda Rachel Hulin 276
The Runaway Midwife Patricia Harman 416
The Romance of Elsewhere: Essays Lynn Freed 21/10/2017 224
What is the Bible?: How an Ancient Library of Poems, Letters and Stories Can Transform the Way You Think and Feel about Everything Rob Bell 22/10/2017 336
At Home in the World Tsh Oxenreider 6/11/2017 240
I hope I Screw This Up: How Falling in Love with Your Fears Can Change the World Kyle Cease 11/11/2017 242
Bad Rabbi Eddy Portnoy 17/11/2017 236
Perennials Mandy Berman 18/11/2017 273
I’m Fine…And Other Lies Whitney Cummings 25/11/2017 274
Midnight at the Bright Ideas Bookstore Matthew Sullivan   326
Holy Anorexia Rudolph M. Bell 26/11/2017 179
The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen, 83 1/4 Years Old Groen, Hendrik 2/12/2017 384
Hiddensee: A Tale of the Once and Furture Nutcracker Maguire, George 4/12/2017 287
The One Real Thing Young, Samantha 9/12/2017 382
Burning Bright: Four Chanukah Love Stories Hart, Megan 400
Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance Lang, Ruth Emmie 16/12/2017 346
Jane Eyre Bronte, CHarlotte 23/12/2017 284
The Book of Separation: A Memoir Mirvis, Tova 29/12/2017 320
God: A Human History Aslan, Reza 30/12/2017 321
The Awkward Path to Getting Lucky Heacock, Summer 336
The House of Unexpected Sisters McCall Smith, Alexander 6/1/2018 240
Single-Minded Daily, Lisa 10/1/2018 304
Loveable: Embracing What is Truest about You, So you Can Truly Embrace Your Life Flanagan, Kelly 13/1/2018 224
London is the Best City in America Dave, Laura 19/1/2018 256
Misadventures of a City Girl Wild, Meredith 20/1/2018 187
Mr. Right-Swipe Schultz, Ricki 304
Toward a Meaningful Life Jacobson, SImon 24/1/2018 352
The Remarkable Ordinary: How to Stop, Look, and Listen to Life Buechner, Frederick 25/1/2018 128
The Wisdom of Not Knowing: Discovering a Life of Wonder by Embracing Uncertainty Frankel, Estelle 30/1/2018 208
Every Little Thing Young, Samantha 2/2/2018 352
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone Brown, Brene 3/2/2018 208
The Afterlives Pierce, Thomas 384
Einstein and the Rabbi: Searching for the Soul Levy, Naomi 9/2/2018 338
The Blue Zones of Happiness: Lessions from the World’s Happiest People Buettner, Dan 10/2/2018 288
Eternal Life Horn, Dara 23/2/2018 256
Hello, Sunshine Dave, Laura 24/2/2018 256
How to be SIngle and Happy: Science Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate Taitz, Jenny 3/3/2018 272
How to Fix a Broken Heart Winch, Guy 4/3/2018 128
The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life and Love Birch, Jenna 19/3/2018 304
The Hazel Wood Albert, Melissa 21/3/2018 368
How Luck Happens: Using the Science of Luck to Transform Work, Love and Life Kaplan, Janice 24/3/2018 352
When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness Bono, Tim 29/3/2018 272
Fire Sermon Quatro, Jamie 31/3/2018 224
The Last Equation of Isaac Severy Jacobs, Nova 1/4/2018 337
Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself Epstein, Mark 6/4/2018 224
Murder at the 42nd Street Library Lehane, Con 7/4/2018 307
How to Paint a Dead Man Hall, Sarah 306
Can’t Help Myself: Lessons & Confessions from a Modern Advice Columnist Goldstein, Meredith 20/4/2018 272
How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t: 14 Habits that are Holding You Back from Happiness Owen, Andrea 21/4/2018 224
The Immortalists Benjamin, Chloe 27/4/2018 346
The Narrow Space: A Pediatric Oncologist, His Jewish, Muslim, and Christian Patients, and a Hospital in Jerusalem Waldman, Elisha 28/4/2018 256
The Coincidence Makers Blum, Yoav 29/4/2018 304
The Anatomy of a Miracle Miles, Jonathan 5/5/2018 352
The Curious Charms of Arthur Pepper Patrick, Phaedra 12/5/2018 331
Church of Marvels Parry, Leslie 308
Everything Happens for a Reason Kate Bowler 16/5/2018 178
The Wedding Date Jasmine Guillory 19/5/2018 310
The Little Clan Iris Martin Cohen 327
One Station Away Olaf Olafsson 20/5/2018 299
This Messy Magnificent Life Geneen Roth 21/5/2018 202
Posted in Life

My Green Umbrella

I landed in America two years ago today.

I did nothing to mark this day today. I didn’t  mention it to anyone at work. I didn’t post on Facebook. I didn’t mention it to friends. I didn’t even cry.

But I left Israel two years ago.

The past two years were not easy to say the least. I was homesick. I missed my friends. I missed having a community. I missed going to the shuk to do my shopping. I missed seasonal fruits and vegetables. I missed the smell of juniper. I missed automatically having off for the Jewish holidays. I missed the beach. I missed speaking in Hebrew. I missed my apartment. Really, I just missed my life – and honestly, sometimes I still do, but I am not brought to tears when I think about it.

New York was (still is) lonely for me. It does not feel like home, even though it’s been two years (ok, a year and a half- minus the two months in NJ and the 4 in Australia). Yes, I do now know what brands of stuff I like to buy. I know where to go grocery shopping. I am no longer totally lost when I get on the subway or when I need to go somewhere new. But I don’t have a community (well, definitely not a Jewish one). The person I speak to the most often is living in Israel. I am slowly making friends, but I realized the other day, only one person is someone who I met here since coming to the US, the rest I knew from Israel.

A lot has happened in the past two years. I did my first unit of CPE. I moved and worked in Australia. I moved to New York. I was in school. I received smicha. I started my job as a chaplain resident. I was offered a second year of residency, which I accepted…

…so I guess I am staying another year.

And today, I found holes in my green umbrella. It is the umbrella I bought over two years ago, from the store on Ben Yehudah for 15 shekel. It never should have lasted two months, let alone two years, but it did. I know I have to throw this umbrella away, but there is a large part of me that is not ready to give it up.

I want to hold onto something from then… but maybe it is a sign, that it is time to say goodbye to it (and my life that was), and start using the new colorful polka dot one I just bought, and embrace what this new city has in store.