Mostly Feeling Proud

I am proud of myself for listening to my gut. For noticing when something felt wrong and chose not to go with it.

I was offered a job, in a good organization. I was excited. I need work.

But even in the offer I was ambivalent. Then I had a meeting that made me feel totally off. I still had not signed the contract.

I spent a week thinking and contemplating. Should I take a job that makes me feel awful, so I can say I have a job? Or should I chance it and continue applying and stay unemployed for a bit longer?

I chose to call and say I won’t take the job. It was a scary (for me) call to make. But since making it I feel so much better. I am proud that I was able and willing to listen to myself and to say no.

Here is back to the drawing board to finding a job I like. A job that I feel will respect me. A job that I will be proud to be working in.

What am I Worth?

I think that it is horrible to think about my self-worth in relation to other people- but I guess I do. I think that it is horrible because I have been taught forever that our worth is not based on other people. That we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other people. We should find it in ourselves our worthiness- because we all have worth.

But thinking to myself, maybe I don’t always see my worth. What am I worth? Maybe that is why I am constantly creating and doing- that if I am doing nothing, than I am worth nothing.

Part of it goes to feeling invisible. The more I do, then I can’t be forgotten- which I guess I am afraid of, or at least feel like I am. I feel like no one pays attention to me, but if I am organizing, then they have no option to not to do so. I am the easy going one, who in some ways learned not to ask for things because it will most likely be ignored. I will be the one who people start to have a good time with and just leave hanging—alone, as usual (and being drunk alone is not so fun).

I feel like I am the person that is forgotten, or at least not cared about. It could be because I am quiet, and won’t always fight, and I won’t be the loudest person in the room. I am the person who will want to go somewhere and the people around me will say no- but if someone else suggests it, people will be on board.  I am the person that will ask for things, and people just won’t do it (example- a friend knew I was going to have a very busy week and asked what he could do to help. I said to chat with me every so often, he said yes- but in the end he didn’t speak to me the entire week). I am the person at a party that won’t get hit on. I am the person on numerous dating sites that can’t get a date. The more I put myself out there, the more people will let me down, and the more it will make me feel lonely.

If I am busy doing, then I can’t be lonely- it is on me that I don’t have time for things, rather than they don’t have time for me. I have boundaries, so I won’t open up- so then no one will just up and leave.

I don’t know if it is that I think that people don’t think I am worth being close to, but at times that is how it feels. I am able to do things on my own, and partially I need to do it on my own because I have never had anyone to rely on.

It is a funny place to be- a person who feels like on a regular basis people don’t notice, but at the same time a person everyone knows. I guess the place of loneliness, is that no one thinks of me. That in order to be noticed, I need to do all of the work. In order to be noticed by men- I’m not yet sure of (and maybe that is why I am still in touch with TLV because I feel like he is someone who notices me).

I know that this came off as rambling- but this is what is going on in my head. The question now is what to do with this knowledge/understanding of self. Am I better off because of it? Or am I just going to be lonelier?