I’m Always Back Somewhere

I’m back in NY.  Once again I was going back. Back to where I came from. Back to where I am currently living. I went back to go back, because I guess in many ways they are both where I live. And in a weird way I feel back. I landed and went to the place that has all of my belongings, and then went food shopping. And today I went to school, I went back into my New York routine.

Leaving was really hard. Saturday was a day full of tears. I had to say goodbye to everyone once again. It hurt my heart that I had to go and I don’t know when or if I will be back- and if I do go back will it be for vacation or to live. It hurt my heart to have to go back to a place where I am not happy and feel alone. It hurt my heart to leave my friends, my support system, people I love. It hurt my heart to know that I will have to be away for at least another year…

It was so nice to be back in Israel. I remembered what it was like to be happy; to have friends; to go out at night. Towards the end of my trip a friend asked me if there was anything I was excited about with returning to NY, and my answer was nothing. He then asked even living in my own space, and even that was not something I was especially looking forward to. Yes, it was hard to be a guest for so long, but the good out weighed the bad.

It really makes me think about what I should do next year. I have the option of taking a job running activities in a nursing home; a job that has nothing to do with the rabbinate, nothing to do with what I have been fighting for over the past five years; a job that I could have done 5 years ago. Yes, I could try and build up and do what I do best and make the job work for me. But I want this job to be something more than a year job. I want to have something a bit more stable. I want something that will connect me. I want something that I am not going to feel like I am just waiting for the next best thing to happen. This job is no longer a filler to just make money while I learn full time, it is what I will be doing with myself.

At the same time I have this really great opportunity to do CPE residency. I know how great the program is and all that I can learn from it. I know that it opens up opportunities in the US and other countries. I know that it will challenge me in positive ways. I know that I will be helping people. I know that it will help me become a better rabbi. I know that it will help me be able to sit with people in difficult times. But I also know that I will have to be in NY. I will have to be away from my friends. I will have to be away from people who I love and care for, and they do me. (Although at the same time by being in NY I am near my parents, grandmother, sister, brother, sister-in-law, nephew…)

I really don’t know what to do and feel really torn. When I think about having left all I want to do is cry. I also know that my time in NY has not been so great thus far and part of that is because of me. I am not sure if my unhappiness is because NY makes me unhappy or because I don’t feel settled, I feel alone, and I feel like I am wasting time while I’m in school (which should change once I am doing something).

I know that I want to be happy again. I want to feel light and excited. I want to enjoy doing things. I want to do things. Even though it is hard to do, especially on my own (which I am just tired of doing), I know that I need to start pushing myself; start giving myself a real chance to be happy here. Some things that I have thought of:

• Get in touch with my friend’s friends. Messaging them all and going out for coffee or anything they invite me to
• Take a Spanish class. If I really am going to be working in a NY hospital, knowing even a bit of Spanish will be really useful.
• Do some form of music class.
• Look online for events that look cool or interesting. See if anyone wants to go, but decide that I will go no matter what.
• Go to the theatre, museums and other cultural places that New York is know for.

Yes, this might have to be done alone. Yes, I might not want to do it alone, but for right now I don’t have an option. Yes, it will take energy and effort to go out and put myself out there. But I know myself- I have done this before and I can do it again.

As ordination day comes closer, I hope to figure out what I should do next. I need to figure out which option is best for me, which makes me happy, which makes me feel fulfilled. So even though I really just want to break down crying because I am back, I want to try and make it bearable, because if it’s not, even doing the most useful thing will be useless.