Posted in Life

I’m Always Back Somewhere

I’m back in NY.  Once again I was going back. Back to where I came from. Back to where I am currently living. I went back to go back, because I guess in many ways they are both where I live. And in a weird way I feel back. I landed and went to the place that has all of my belongings, and then went food shopping. And today I went to school, I went back into my New York routine.

Leaving was really hard. Saturday was a day full of tears. I had to say goodbye to everyone once again. It hurt my heart that I had to go and I don’t know when or if I will be back- and if I do go back will it be for vacation or to live. It hurt my heart to have to go back to a place where I am not happy and feel alone. It hurt my heart to leave my friends, my support system, people I love. It hurt my heart to know that I will have to be away for at least another year…

It was so nice to be back in Israel. I remembered what it was like to be happy; to have friends; to go out at night. Towards the end of my trip a friend asked me if there was anything I was excited about with returning to NY, and my answer was nothing. He then asked even living in my own space, and even that was not something I was especially looking forward to. Yes, it was hard to be a guest for so long, but the good out weighed the bad.

It really makes me think about what I should do next year. I have the option of taking a job running activities in a nursing home; a job that has nothing to do with the rabbinate, nothing to do with what I have been fighting for over the past five years; a job that I could have done 5 years ago. Yes, I could try and build up and do what I do best and make the job work for me. But I want this job to be something more than a year job. I want to have something a bit more stable. I want something that will connect me. I want something that I am not going to feel like I am just waiting for the next best thing to happen. This job is no longer a filler to just make money while I learn full time, it is what I will be doing with myself.

At the same time I have this really great opportunity to do CPE residency. I know how great the program is and all that I can learn from it. I know that it opens up opportunities in the US and other countries. I know that it will challenge me in positive ways. I know that I will be helping people. I know that it will help me become a better rabbi. I know that it will help me be able to sit with people in difficult times. But I also know that I will have to be in NY. I will have to be away from my friends. I will have to be away from people who I love and care for, and they do me. (Although at the same time by being in NY I am near my parents, grandmother, sister, brother, sister-in-law, nephew…)

I really don’t know what to do and feel really torn. When I think about having left all I want to do is cry. I also know that my time in NY has not been so great thus far and part of that is because of me. I am not sure if my unhappiness is because NY makes me unhappy or because I don’t feel settled, I feel alone, and I feel like I am wasting time while I’m in school (which should change once I am doing something).

I know that I want to be happy again. I want to feel light and excited. I want to enjoy doing things. I want to do things. Even though it is hard to do, especially on my own (which I am just tired of doing), I know that I need to start pushing myself; start giving myself a real chance to be happy here. Some things that I have thought of:

  • Get in touch with my friend’s friends. Messaging them all and going out for coffee or anything they invite me to
  • Take a Spanish class. If I really am going to be working in a NY hospital, knowing even a bit of Spanish will be really useful.
  • Do some form of music class.
  • Look online for events that look cool or interesting. See if anyone wants to go, but decide that I will go no matter what.
  • Go to the theatre, museums and other cultural places that New York is know for.

Yes, this might have to be done alone. Yes, I might not want to do it alone, but for right now I don’t have an option. Yes, it will take energy and effort to go out and put myself out there. But I know myself- I have done this before and I can do it again.

As ordination day comes closer, I hope to figure out what I should do next. I need to figure out which option is best for me, which makes me happy, which makes me feel fulfilled. So even though I really just want to break down crying because I am back, I want to try and make it bearable, because if it’s not, even doing the most useful thing will be useless.

 

 

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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