Today was an intense day- but I’m not really sure why.
I woke up and got to school and there was just too much of something in the air. It was a space that was hard to breath in, but that early in the day there was nothing really to place it on. If anything I was productive. I sent out three emails that I had to send, all dealing with the horrible word — the future. But I did it.
I don’t know why but I was on edge. Everything was too loud. And people were too close. And I had to figure out a scheduling thing. And I had to figure out a title for a class that I will be teaching this Shabbat.
I was talking to a friend today about validation, and how I am so tired of validating people who are searching for validation. I know that it is mean to say, but all I want to do is shake them a bit and tell them to have some confidence. And her comment was, well that is because you are someone who doesn’t need it. I told her of course I need it, I just don’t get it. There aren’t people around me to validate me. I don’t have a luxury of relying on other people for those things, because they aren’t there or might not be. So yes, I need it – but I also push myself on my own.
And then at mincha there was singing. I didn’t want to sing. I wanted to go into davening from the beautiful words that were spoken. To go from that silence and continue into my own personal silence. But no – we had to sing – because one person likes to sing.
And then in class we spoke about class. About ways to make it better.
And then I was in the beit midrash talking to a good friend. And she started asking me about how things are, and I was honest, and slowly tears started filling my eyes. So I went to the bathroom – I didn’t really cry so I went back in. I then asked my friend how she is doing and she proceeded to tell me that she is going to have a double mastectomy soon. It is preemptive, but still pretty scary. And then someone turned around and asked me if I was on the page of Gemara we were on, and I couldn’t answer. I mumbled something about a friend. And she said it was ok that I wasn’t. And I said ok- and then I started crying.
I again went to the bathroom, but this time someone was there. And everyone in the beit midrash saw me, and everyone in the hall saw me.
I got a ride with a teacher and a fellow student. And the student and I walked and talked a bit. And there in the middle of the street of New York I started crying, yet again.
There are just so many things. My friend is going to go through a major surgery. I feel so alone right now – which I think I am feeling most strongly because yesterday I didn’t see or talk to a single person. I have no idea what I am doing next, and it is the question that everyone wants to know. All of this fighting and talking about the situation is really getting to me and just reminding me too much of the bad times and being helpless. I just don’t have the strength to hold it all together, and I don’t have the people I rely on to lean on.
And so when I went grocery shopping (I was planning on getting eggs, lentils and butter) I saw onion dip and bought it. It was a strange, but undeniable craving. It then hit me that I must also have tater tots – so I found the last bag of those too.
And so tonight was a night for onion dip and tater tots. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit of a better day.