Again I was told, in a roundabout way, to play the game. That I should play along with what others want you to do. You don’t need to really agree to it, but you must let the outside believe that you do. I should be overly thankful for people doing things for me, even if they are the things that they are supposed to be doing in the first place.
I am so tired of being in the false world. I am tired of buttering up people who should be doing these things in the first place. I am tired of being overly thankful just to show face, like everything that happens to me is the biggest favor that can be done. That in reality, I am not worth anything, and it was only because of them that I am able to get to where I am.
When do I have the right to say what I want and not what others want to hear? When do I get a chance to say what I want, and to be listened to. When do I have the opportunity not to worry that my needs might offend someone else or make them feel bad about themselves? When will I have that right?
Yes, I am aware that I am able to start things and do things on my own, and I have shown that. And maybe that is what I just have to do. But if I want to be in this world, I also need to play the game. I need to build up other people’s egos, while at the same time work on what I need for myself.
This very much complicates things. On the one hand I need and want help from others. I do not want to be doing this on my own. It is really difficult and it is lonely. But on the other hand, others have failed me too often, or haven’t heard me, or refuse to listen to me.
It is when I saw what I want, and I am not that little girl who just does what I am told any more. I have my own mind. I have my own wants. I have my own needs. I see myself as an adult, but even so- apparently I am not just able to share my opinions. And at least on the outside, I need to still be that obedient little girl.
Open Window in a Closed Space 