Posted in Life

My Voice: Autonomy

I am tired of having other people tell me what I need to be doing.

I am tired of feeling like my schedule is up to someone else to make. Someone else decides what classes I am going to. Someone else decides what internships I am having and goals there should be. Someone else decides that I need to move countries, just to sit in a room so “people get to know me”.

I miss living on my own and having my own space. I miss being able to get to places easily on my own. I miss not needing to rely on my parents for everything. I want to be able to come home from school and just have some quiet time, instead of having to sit in a car and make conversation, sit at dinner and talk, and then feel bad about wanting to be in my room, because the truth is I am very grateful, but I need to have my own time.

I miss being able to do what I want without everyone knowing everything. I miss not having to talk about my day if I don’t want to. I miss not feeling like a little girl because I am back to living with my parents and needing them for almost everything I do.

I want people to listen to my experiences and see them as real. I am tired of telling people things and only after maybe the fifth time do they recognize what I said. I feel like nothing I have done is recognized. That people see me as just beginning. I know that I am not the best, but I have done things.

Today was just a very frustrating day of feeling like I have no voice. I miss working and feeling that I am my own person. I miss  being able to have my own life separate from my parents. I miss feeling like I am doing something in the world and not just sitting.

Maybe this was triggered by the traffic that made me frustrated. Maybe it’s PMS. Maybe it was triggered by process group and listen to another person who is in an abusive situation with a staff person, and no matter who she has gone to, there is nothing for her to do. Maybe it’s because I am finally settling into my reality. Maybe it is because I just feel like there are too many unknowns in my life so just everything seems too much…

 

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Author:

I'm not always the greatest at sharing what is in my head. Here is a place that I am experimenting with sharing my ideas and thoughts. They are about my life, my experiences in becoming a rabbi, things that I see going on around me, and sometimes words of Torah.

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