I would rather be asked questions than be the one to ask.
There is something inside that closes up when it is me that has to ask. I think I fear that my question will be stupid or offensive or push too much or make the person feel bad or feel like they have to share too much or will then make me have to share to much.
Today I got a bunch of halachic questions from a friend. They were really difficult and I had to ask for help. Asking the rabbi I am working with was a big deal. Maybe I am supposed to know the answers already, but for some reason I don’t, and then I am not fit to be a rabbi. Yes I know this is crazy. I know that rabbis will ask their teachers, because there will always be questions that I have never learned how to answer or are really complicated, that they need to go to the next level, to someone who know much, much more than myself.
So that is what I had to do. I called my teacher. But the thinking about calling him made me really nervous. I know that he likes and respects me and my opinion. It’s not that. I know that he thinks that I am smart. But I guess for calling him, I want it to be a real question. I don’t want to be wasting his time. I know how busy he is, and who am I to have such a big question for him.
I think about my conversation with D that is still going on (how or why, still unsure). We got to talking about why, and one of his answers was that he secretly wanted to share, but he wanted me to ask the questions, so that I would find out what I want to know/he wouldn’t share something that I don’t. I keep on thinking that I have asked a lot, but he insists that there are many more that I can ask. I guess I wonder if I will ask something TOO personal (not really sure how that can be at this point, but still). Or really the question I have is, what do I do with this information? Why should I know? Who am I to know?
Knowing definitely makes us closer, it is a different relationship. But I guess what is that relationship? What is the point of it? Does there need to be a point?
Also what if I ask something too personal or weird? What if I ask something that is offensive or shocking? Or really I guess I am afraid that asking too many things he will know more about me, he will know too much. He will know even more of what I think and how I think, and maybe that is what scares me from asking questions.