The past couple of days I have been feeling weird. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it is as if something is missing. Maybe it is because the holiday season is over, and it was this time last year that I was returning to Israel, and instead of preparing to go back to Israel, I am preparing to go back to New York.
Or maybe it is because going to New York is real this time. I have starting the process of finding an apartment – again. And I know that no matter what happens I need to be there.
Or maybe it is because it is after the chagim, and so the year is really starting. Which means that I am really in my last year of rabbinical school. Which means that I need to start figuring out how to apply to jobs. Which means that I have to figure out where I am willing to live.
Or maybe it is because I have not been in Israel for 6 months, and I just miss it. I miss the smell of the streets. I miss the familiar feeling of home. I miss bumping into my friends. I miss going out with my friends. I miss just being able to go out with people, and not look at my world clock to figure out time differences.
Or maybe it is just hormones.
Or maybe it just is.
Or maybe it is all of the above.
I am not sure why, but I am sure that I feel weird. I am feeling lonely. I just want people to talk to, but it just isn’t happening. I want someone to be with, but there is no one here. I started to miss A again, which is just strange. I can’t tell if I actually miss him or if I miss the idea of him. I miss having someone want to touch me, or even to have someone to touch. I miss having someone to talk to, and not have to explain everything, because they already know who the important people in my life are or know who I am and what I like.
Last night, I went with a group of people to see Wicked. It was actually a lot of fun. It made me smile that after only three months, I had people to go out with – but also how strange that in a month I am going to say goodbye, and there is a good chance I will never see them again.
The show was also really great. I think I actually liked it better here than when I saw it a few years ago on the West End in London. But the story line really got me thinking, and there were many times that I almost started crying (this is a big factor in showing that I am feeling weird).
There was the bit with Elfaba, where she spoke about how she had to fight and do it alone because no one else wanted to be with her. So she learned to be alone. She learned how to fight. But there was a point in time that she wanted someone else to help her, but there wasn’t anyone. And even when she met someone, she felt like she should push him to someone else, because there was no way that he could actually want to be with her. I feel like this is my life. What if I never find someone to help me fight? What if I have pushed people away, thinking it was in their best interest? Why do I care about someone else more than myself?
I really don’t know what will be happening next. The idea of not going back to Israel leaves a pit in my stomach. Last week, I started talking to people who want to continue with the Kabbalat Shabbat at the nursing home. I also saw a Facebook memory from the home, and really missed the residents and my friendship with them. Only yesterday people were posting in excitment about the first rain. It made me miss it. Miss being excited about the rain. Miss the smell. Miss the start of the cold and the winter.
There are so many things that I want, and for the first time in a while I really feel pulled in so many places and feel unsettled. I want to find someone, but I live no where. I want to live in Israel, but then I can’t work as a rabbi and I need to be there to find a job. I want to work as a rabbi, but that means most likely I will have to stay in the US, and most likely not live in a big community. I want to have something stable, but everything can change if I meet someone.
Well, it is almost a new week and a new month…maybe (hopefully) things will start sorting themselves out.