I think that it is fitting, at least for my life, that companion is the word of the day.
For some reason all I can think about today is A. Everything reminded me of him, and I started to miss him, which made me realize that we really did break up. It is clear that we actually broke up. Even though he tells me that he thinks that he made a mistake, he hasn’t tried to get back together with me.
He asked me the other day if I thought he was an idiot for breaking up with me and not trying to do a long distance relationship. Before that he said something about us still talking throughout the year, and just getting back together when I get back- but I brought up the idea of if we are not together than we both need to be ok with the other person dating other people. I told him that I am not going to wait around and I don’t expect him to do so either. If he wants to be in a relationship, and is ok with just waiting around, then we should just have a long distance relationship, even though it is not ideal.
So, I didn’t give him an answer about if he is an idiot or not. I didn’t think that I could answer that. But thinking about it today (which could be why I am sad) I do think that he is. I think that he talks about wanting to be married, wanting to be in a relationship, wanting true compainionship- saying that he feels all those things for me, but because I am far away he isn’t going to follow through. That even though he thinks that he made a mistake, he won’t try something because of a previous bad relationship- that he constantly tells me this is nothing like. That what we had he hasn’t felt in a very long time…Why would you give up on something that makes you feel good and is exactly what you say you want?!
Part of me still desires him. I miss talking to him. I miss hanging out with him. I miss touching/being touched by him. I miss having someone who just was there because he wanted to be…
But I am now just getting annoyed with him. I am annoyed that he didn’t think that I was worth trying for. I am annoyed that he still talks to me to tell me he thinks he made a mistake, but won’t do anything about it. Even though a week ago I would have said yes if he asked me out again, now I kinda want to say no. Why would I want to go out with someone who doesn’t really want to be with me, even if he says he does? Why would I want to be with someone who at times it feels like he is playing me like a yo-yo (which wasn’t the case when we were dating..)?
Now I can’t tell if I actually feel these things or if I am making myself feel them because the separation hurts….
I’ve been wanting to have a partner,to have compainionship…I had it, and lost it…and I miss it…
Now I need to figure out what to do to have it again. I know I just need to put myself out there again, but the idea makes me even sadder. I really can’t imagine going on a date or meeting someone who would make me feel the way he made me feel.
I guess I just need to hope that it will…if it happened once, it could happen again?