We used to be connected. It was something I have never felt before. There was something strange, but nice about it.
There were other times that I was timid. That I was unsure of what to do or say. I was scared of what it would mean if we were more physical or shared more or if I asked you to come to the US with me. I had much less experience than you- in really everything- and that scared me. I didn’t want you to think that I was stupid or not good enough. I didn’t want you to think of me as a little girl.
I know it took me some time to get used to it. There were also times that it felt like we had known each other forever. That I could just be myself. That I could just be there, and not really worry. I was able to actually say what I was thinking and feeling (that was the big one). I was able to look into your eyes and feel the intense connection- feel you looking into my soul, and looking back at you.
My leaving the country was something that was always part of our relationship. It was that thing in the back corner, that we tried to keep pushing away. We knew that I was leaving, and yet, we couldn’t bear to say goodbye to each other, and so we continued to go out. We spoke about the idea of breaking up, but didn’t want to. We felt a strong connection. I felt like saying goodbye was cutting something from me.
It was actually easier to say goodbye than to break up with you. Breaking up with you hurt. After saying it, all I could feel was sad. I was not ready to cut myself off from you. And so we met up again…and broke up another 2 times.
And then I moved. The day we knew would come. And even though you said you were anti-long distance, you still spoke to me. There was something that was still connecting us to one another. We found ways and time to talk to each other. But then we had the idea of not talking for two weeks…
Maybe I should have said no. Maybe I should have disrespected your wishes. But those two weeks are what broke our connection. I felt you pulling away. I knew that you were leaving me- I could feel it. I broke the promise and spoke to you a day early to tell you that I missed you, and I didn’t want to lose you. But the disconnect was already there.
You accepted that I was gone, and it was too much for you to try to stay connected. That isn’t to say that it would have been easy for me. I know that it is hard. It is hard for me not to see you or hold you or be held by you. The time difference is awful, and it would mean waking up early or staying up late or using up my free time just to talk to you. It would mean that any vacation I have would be seeing you somehow. Our connection would have been different, but at least it would still be there.
But now it is cut off. I knew what our conversation would be before we had it today. I could tell that you were cutting yourself off even more. Our conversations were shorter. Trying to talk on the phone took almost a week and a half. I couldn’t feel our connection any more.
I’m sorry it had to happen this way. I’m sorry that I wasn’t stronger to figure out a way to make it work. I’m not mad at you, but I am mad that we couldn’t figure out another way. I am sad that you didn’t feel it great enough to put the effort in. You talk about wanted to be married and how special this was, so it confuses me that you wouldn’t try harder- although I understand why you wouldn’t move half way across the world to be with a girl that you dated for a month, especially when she thought you were crazy for bringing up the idea of marriage already.
.You were really something special, and that I will always remember. And I know that you feel the same way too, even though right now those are not really words of comfort, rather words of pain. I hope that we are both able to heal after this disconnect. I hope for both of us that either we reconnect or that we are able to find a connection this strong again.