I can’t tell if my life is orderly or if it is a giant ball of tangled yarn.
As one of my friends likes to joke, but somewhat seriously, I am quite particular about things. Each thing in my house has its place. Things should happen in a certain order. I really like logic and for things to make sense. I like having a routine. Up until 6 weeks ago(maybe a year ago), my life was very stable and orderly.
I lived in the same apartment since June 2010, I had the same job since December 2011, I was in a learning program since September 2012- all found after moving to another country in February 2010. Things went as they were. Every summer I went to the US to teach in camp (for the past 5 years). And then I would come back home, and go back to my routine. I knew my hours, I knew what was expected of me, I knew that at some point I would direct a play.
Almost every year, my goal was to be social I would try really hard when I would get back, to go on dates, make sure I had free time…but inevitably, I would get bored, and it wouldn’t go the way I wanted it to, and then I was back to finding more things to do to fill my time- and then it was time to fly again.
Then there is this year. I changed schools, so my schedule changed completely. I was still learning, but now I was learning in the afternoon and not the morning. I was still working, but I was working in the mornings and not the afternoons. My nights were partially taken up with class, so I didn’t have the option of going out, or if I did, I had to be home before 10:30 so I could make it to class.
And then 6 weeks ago I quit my job, because I had to move back to the US. Two weeks ago I packed up all of my belongings and moved to a country I hadn’t lived in since 2008. For the first time in 5 years I am not going to camp, but rather doing a chaplaincy internship in a hospital.
And maybe the most shocking of it all for me, is that 8 weeks ago I started dating a guy, and actually like him. He is someone who we tried breaking up multiple times, but it just didn’t work. For the first time ever, I am going with my emotions and doing things that make no sense at all. I am telling him how I feel. I am trying to keep something going, even though logically it makes no sense (he is still in Israel). There is something bigger going on, because even after not speaking for two weeks I knew how he felt, and knew that I had to do something (I wrote to him before our decided date of talking again after a 2 week “let’s think about what this is).
Part of me is really excited about next week because I will get my schedule for the hospital. I will know where I need to be and when, and will be able to plan around that. I am looking for an apartment in NYC, which will also help with finding a routine. Knowing where and when to go food shopping, do my laundry, classes to take, people to hang out with…
I know that I long for order and logic. There is something very comforting and calming about order. But it is really amazing to see how much beauty and amazing things can come about when there is a bit of disorder.