Posted in Dating, Life

If I Could Talk to You Right Now #2

Hi,

How are you? What have you been thinking about over the past two weeks?

I want to say mazal tov on your new practice and getting a second audition. How was the show that you had? How was your trip on Lag Ba’omer?

Part of me feels that you have left me. It feels like our month together was ages ago. I feel like we haven’t spoken to each other in months,not weeks. I have almost convinced myself that you have moved on, and maybe I should as well.

On the other hand, I still miss you. When I close my eyes I can see you staring into my eyes. I can see us together looking out over the hill, sitting in the park, lying around in my room, being in the hotel in Tel Aviv. I still have the desire to call you and tell you what happening in my day, and to see what happened in yours.

It is crazy to think that this all happened in only a month. I agree with you, that we were not “cooked” enough to maybe make this work.  I know that I was afraid to tell you that I love you or to accept that you wanted to be there for me. But I have to say, that now not having you, I am having a hard time going back to who I was.

I used to be really good at cutting people out emotionally. I had an easy time moving on to the next thing when I needed to. But you changed me. You got close to me and had me get close to you- both emotionally and physically- and as much as I am doing to try to forget you, block you out, do what I normally do, I just can’t. You keep on popping into my head. I trained myself well to not desire, not to fall into something, not to be vulnerable…but that all changed because of you, and then I had to leave.

I’m sorry that it had to happen. I’m even sorrier that I tried to push you away, and for once in my life I hope that I did a really bad job.

Part of me is still afraid. I am afraid that I am making up the good parts in my head. I am afraid that maybe I am just settling. I am afraid of what it means to be leading with my emotions instead of my brain. But then I think about it, and I know that I am trying to psych myself out, for what I fear will come.

I am afraid that you won’t speak to me at all comes Monday. I’m afraid that you are going to tell me that you want nothing to do with me, that is going to be too hard to be long distance. I am afraid that you haven’t been thinking about me at all in the past two weeks. I am afraid that I am the one who cares more, and is being so unrealistic about why wants.

I know that it will be more difficult if we decide to be in a long distance relationship. I know that it is not your ideal (and in reality not mine either, I like seeing and being with you too). But I feel like my heart is still tied up with you, and I don’t want that break…

Well, I guess it is only two more days.

Here’s to waiting and being patient….

Miss you & Love you.

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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