If we were talking this week, I would tell you that I miss you. Ever since we said that we weren’t going to talk to each other, I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss talking to you. I miss being held by you. I miss having you around.
I think that I am the stupid one. I never should have suggested/agreed to this, even though I know it is what you need.
Somehow going for a drink turned into a real relationship. It was definitely not something that I was expecting, as I knew that I was leaving, and more so you were not someone I ever thought I could date. But the next thing I knew I was seeing you most days of the week, and speaking to you almost all of them.
I know that I was pulling away, but it is because I am scared. There are lots of feelings that I have never felt before. And in addition to all that, I was moving half way across the world. There were just so many changes happening at the same time, and I did not know how to react. I did not know how to balance you and the move. I am really bad at relying on other people. I tried really hard to let you in- even if you might not have felt that. I thought that it would be easier to push you away, so then it wouldn’t be so hard once I left- but I was very wrong about that. Having that feeling is scary to me- I don’t think I have ever wanted/needed someone that much before.
The idea of love and marriage is another one that scares me. I think that even though it is something that I wanted, it is also something I don’t know what to do with. How do you know that someone is the one? When I am with you or talking to you, there is just something comfortable that I feel. There is something that feels this is what it is supposed to be and feel like.
And then I am away, and my brain goes into overthinking mode, and I think about all the things that could go wrong/don’t make sense. I fear that I just like you because you like me. I fear that I am going to do something that will make you stop liking me- somehow you will find me not good enough. I fear that I only liked you because things felt good and it short and intense, but that is all is was good for.
You offered to come here, and my first reaction was to tell you no. I can’t imagine someone changing their life course for me—which basically means that I don’t think that I am worth it. Or maybe it just means there hasn’t been anyone in my life that was willing to change their life for me. I’ve never really asked anyone to either- I just never expected anyone to want to or be able to.
I’ve never really had to think about another person in my choices. I am not sure that I never had anyone because there really wasn’t anyone, or I just didn’t let anyone else in because I knew that it would be harder. I think that part of my fear is that I won’t be able to do what I want to do because I won’t have absolute freedom any more. I guess I knew that at some point in time this would happen, but I guess I never gave it a real thought, because I never thought it would happen. I know that you support me and care for me, but how do we choose where to live? And how do we choose whose dream we follow?
For a long time I have put my profession in front of my personal life. The story I tell myself (and I think it is partially true) is that I didn’t have anything going on in my personal life so then I pushed with my professional life. But then I was so involved in my professional life that I had nothing in my personal life. And then it was just that circle. Maybe it is because my entire life was in flux that I was actually available to allow someone in. Or maybe you are the person I was waiting for. Or maybe…
I feel like the word love is a strong one. It is one that should be used for people that one truly cares about. It should be one used for a person/thing that you appreciate and are willing to sacrifice for them.
Maybe you are right. Maybe we should do the most crazy thing. But are we just jumping into it? Are we just living off of a high? Or did we have something real and are making a huge mistake?
I spoke to a friend about you, and she was confused with my behaviour. That when it came to my profession, I did everything I could- especially in a world that it didn’t exist. But when it comes to this, it seems like I am not willing to fight.
I want to write to you- but I said that I wouldn’t. I want to respect your wishes, but I also really want you to know that I miss you. Feeling this way really terrifies me- but I really think that there was something, and it was not just something in my head. I hope that when you decide to talk to me again, you tell me yes. That you tell me that you are willing to try this long distance thing. That you tell me that you are going to come to CT for a bit of the year- or at the very least while you are in Canada, you find time to come to NYC.
I hope that I am not feeling this just because we are apart.
I hope that you are doing well.
I miss you & love you (yes, I think I actually do).
Do I disregard what he says and tell him that I miss him? Or do I just wait the next 9 days to see what happens?