My heart is breaking…
This time next week I will be in the air on the way to the US. This is my last Monday, waking up in my bed, in my apartment. It is my last Monday for I don’t know how long, being here in Israel.
Last night my closest friends took me out for an adventure night. It was clear how much they love and care for me- and I am just going. I tried to be in the moment, but every so often I just sat back and thought to myself that this is the last time that is will happen, and that I am really going to miss them.
The guests were:
- My brother- the person I worry about and care most about at the table. I know that it is not my responsibility, but I feel bad that I am leaving him on his own. It is because of me, not because of his choosing, that he will be living alone. He will be alone for holidays, alone when making decisions, alone when good and bad things happen…and it is because of me. He all of a sudden has added stress because I am choosing to go…
- R- Someone I have been friends with since I as 13. She has become part of my family. She is the person that I call on if I have a fever and need something. She is the person I call when things are going bad, good, crazy, ect. And this relationship is mutual. I am going to miss being able to just walk 10 minutes to go to her house, or out for coffee. I am going to miss her meeting the people that are in my life, and miss meeting the people that are in hers. I am going to miss our yearly movie, Yom Ha’azmaut traditions, and just having someone be there.
- A & H- A and I met in 2003, but have been friends since 2004. It is amazing to me to have college friends here in Israel. Even more amazing that one of the closest people to me is from that time, even though college was all the way in Baltimore. She and her husband have become a couple that have taken me in. They are a place I go to confide in. A place to drink. A place to joke about halacha. A place to just feel love.
- F- my roommate from the past three years. She is way more than a roommate- she is a family member. I remember when we spoke about living together, that I was nervous because I thought that she was a bit weird and anti-social—and how could I be wrong. She has been the best roommate that I have had since college. We are able to complement each other. Through everything that happened in both of our lives last year, we were able to both be there for each other. She too is part of my tornado of change- she decided to quit her job, and is looking for something new and different to do, potentially in a new city or maybe even a new country. I’m going to miss having a roommate that feel like family.
- D-what to say about D. D is shuk boy. The boy that has been involved with everything for the past 6 years. The boy that was my chevruta. The boy that was my shopping partner. The boy that started traditions that filled my year. The boy that when things were going badly in my life, took time to drop everything to come and sit with me, and remind me (or at least try) that I am able to fight and I am smart. The boy that I felt so much for, but when talking about it didn’t want any more than just being on the periphery of my life. There were many times that I thought about dating him- that I could see him wanting to be with me, and I saw how well we got along- and then he would date someone else, or clearly tell me he was not interested. He liked having me around, but didn’t/doesn’t think about me in any other way (or at least doesn’t let himself see that/act on it). He is definitely one of the people have been closest to me, and me to him. I do feel bad that I am just leaving him. It is going to be strange and sad not to have him around all the time.
- A- Oh A… the guy I started dating 6 weeks ago. The choice that I can’t figure out if it was the stupidest thing I have ever done or the most life changing thing I have ever done. This party was the first time that he met my friends, and not just any friends, but those that I am closest to- the ones that are practically my family. It was his choice to come into that, he did not have to come to the party at all, and I would have understood. The more we are together, the closer we become, and the less that I don’t want him in my life. When I think about saying goodbye to him, my heart hurts and it makes me want to cry. It is crazy that in such a short amount of time someone can become so integrated in someone’s life. I like him being in my life. But of course, he needs to be here and I need to be there. We both want the other to join us, but by asking that of the other person we are asking them to give up everything. If I were to stay in Israel, then I would be giving up getting smicha, something that I have been working towards for the past 6 years of my life. I have one year left…And if I ask him to move, he can’t work in the US, and I am asking him to follow me across the world to a city that he doesn’t know people and doesn’t have a job that he has built up, just for me. I wish that this was an easier decision to make.
So I am grateful that I have people who really love and care about me in the world. But it saddens me that I need to leave them, for a time unknown. It saddens me that my choices, which needed to be made for myself are deeply effecting and changing the lives of people around me. Once again my heart is torn…. I want to be here with those that I love/who love me, but I want to go to where I can finish my learning and do what I feel is my calling.
I pray that I am making the right choices and that I don’t come to regret what I will do.