I wish I had someone like me to speak to.
I realized that I am very comfortable listening to other people talk about sex and their sexuality, but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, I am actually really uncomfortable. I realize that I still (feel like) I live in a society that thinks that I should not be a sexual being, and for some reason I have accepted that idea for myself.
The physicality of this relationship is not something that I can talk about to everyone. I feel like I never allowed myself to desire or to think sexually. Not that it is necessarily something “wrong”, but rather just something that was not part of me. As I become more comfortable, I also desire more- and I am not sure what to do with that. I actually enjoy touching, and it both excites and scares me what more would feel like.
I have given other people advice when it comes to ideas of pre-marital sex, but I am not sure if I am able to take it myself. I don’t actually think that pre-marital sex is innately wrong. From learning the sources, it seems like it is, but only if a person is randomly sleeping around. I think that when a couple is actually in an intimate relationship, it might actually be the right thing to do. But even with thinking this, I also have something that is still telling me that to wait till marriage. That sex is something “sacred”.
Until now, I never really had to think much about it. I mean, I thought a lot about it with regards to other people, but I have not really thought about it for myself. I always thought that I would think about it when the time comes, but also thinking that the time would never really come. But here I am actually in a relationship that I can see us ending up having sex- and that scares me. I actually feel comfortable with physicality with him, and I worry that if I go farther, we will actually go all the way- and I don’t know how I feel about this religiously. I can’t even figure out what I would tell myself if I was asked this question…