Posted in Life

I Feel Weird

Ever since Purim everything feels strange around me. It is as if things moved around and everything is happening in a different way than it usually does. I’ve been having conversations that I don’t usually have; interactions are different; and really just my insides feel not the same.

Last week I had a weird week of sleeping- part of it with stress (I think) and part is this weirdness (which might also be stress related…). On Sunday I woke up at 4 AM and couldn’t fall back asleep- so matter how much tossing and turning I did. At this point I no longer remember what I was dreaming, but something made me wake up in a panic. That obviously effected the rest of my day. I even came home early and took a nap.

The next day, I found out from my friend that she spoke to shuk boy, telling him that I still have feelings for him, and asking him why he was acting so strange. After lots of over thinking, I actually went with my gut reactions (something I almost never do…especially in situations like this) and wrote to him, and told him he was silly, and I didn’t think “that ship has sailed”. His only response thus far was “hm…I wonder who you were talking to”, so I still don’t know what he thinks or feels, and I am too afraid to ask. After class finishing at 12, I couldn’t fall asleep till 2.

On Tuesday, I went to a friend’s wedding, which was a lot of fun. I saw a lot of people that I haven’t seen in years. Again my brain wasn’t totally on my head- when I was planning on going to the wedding, I mixed up my days of learning, and thought I had to get to the wedding late- in reality I finished class an hour earlier than I had said in my head. At the wedding I saw tlv, and it turns out he dated a good friend of mine on and off when they were 16-18…such a small world. It was also one of the first times seeing him…and I was still missing him, for whatever reason. But I got home at 12, and couldn’t fall asleep till 2.

On Wednesday and Thursday, I don’t think anything crazy happened…but again I had class till 12, and couldn’t fall asleep till 2. I did have interesting conversations. On Wednesday, a man from the independent living had me sit with him to talk for a bit. I was leaving the building, but something told me that I should stay and talk. On Thursday, a woman’s sister was there and having a very hard time with how her sister was doing, and again on my way out she had me sit with her. It is not something I usually do in my job, but something was telling me that I should stay to be there for them. Thursday as well, a woman stopped me by the bus stop to talk about her kids and the weather…I had never seen her in my life.

On Friday I didn’t wake up until 10am (which is very late for me). My brain felt weird and slow. I thought I had all the food I needed, but it turned out that I didn’t have anything- so I had to go to the makolet. I got there, and ended up having an hour long conversation about theology with the owner and the sales clerk- with neither of them wanting to leave so they could continue the conversation. Eventually I got home to cook and clean, but I really felt like I was floating around, and concentrating on the recipes was difficult.

Shabbat came, and I went on a walk- saw the same couple and woman from the nursing home twice that day. On the first walk, had a long conversation with some people from the home, but all in all just enjoyed the sun and air. After Shabbat I got a sms from tlv asking if I wanted to go see a play, and in a mode of spontaneity, I said yes. The play was ok. But on the ride back home, we were playful- I was much calmer in this conversation that I have been in a while. He spoke about coming over for Shabbat, but it didn’t work out- and I have been thinking more about desire and the missing of touch. And then in his car, again we went back to talking and touching and kissing. I don’t know what I want from him…

And then two other people who I met in the past week want to have coffee with me. I don’t want to date them, but both are interesting humans that I want to get to know. I guess part of me is saying that I have 6 weeks, just go with it.

Work knows that I am going. My landlord now knows that I am leaving. I spoke to school to figure out what next year is going to look like. I started giving away books.

I just feel weird. I hope the flipping over of Purim into the rest of the year is for good. I know that everything for me is in the momentum of change, I just didn’t think I would actually feel the unsteadiness, and  change in my actions.



I'm not always the greatest at sharing what is in my head. Here is a place that I am experimenting with sharing my ideas and thoughts. They are about my life, my experiences in becoming a rabbi, things that I see going on around me, and sometimes words of Torah.

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