Posted in Life

I Feel Weird

Ever since Purim everything feels strange around me. It is as if things moved around and everything is happening in a different way than it usually does. I’ve been having conversations that I don’t usually have; interactions are different; and really just my insides feel not the same.

Last week I had a weird week of sleeping- part of it with stress (I think) and part is this weirdness (which might also be stress related…). On Sunday I woke up at 4 AM and couldn’t fall back asleep- so matter how much tossing and turning I did. At this point I no longer remember what I was dreaming, but something made me wake up in a panic. That obviously effected the rest of my day. I even came home early and took a nap.

The next day, I found out from my friend that she spoke to shuk boy, telling him that I still have feelings for him, and asking him why he was acting so strange. After lots of over thinking, I actually went with my gut reactions (something I almost never do…especially in situations like this) and wrote to him, and told him he was silly, and I didn’t think “that ship has sailed”. His only response thus far was “hm…I wonder who you were talking to”, so I still don’t know what he thinks or feels, and I am too afraid to ask. After class finishing at 12, I couldn’t fall asleep till 2.

On Tuesday, I went to a friend’s wedding, which was a lot of fun. I saw a lot of people that I haven’t seen in years. Again my brain wasn’t totally on my head- when I was planning on going to the wedding, I mixed up my days of learning, and thought I had to get to the wedding late- in reality I finished class an hour earlier than I had said in my head. At the wedding I saw tlv, and it turns out he dated a good friend of mine on and off when they were 16-18…such a small world. It was also one of the first times seeing him…and I was still missing him, for whatever reason. But I got home at 12, and couldn’t fall asleep till 2.

On Wednesday and Thursday, I don’t think anything crazy happened…but again I had class till 12, and couldn’t fall asleep till 2. I did have interesting conversations. On Wednesday, a man from the independent living had me sit with him to talk for a bit. I was leaving the building, but something told me that I should stay and talk. On Thursday, a woman’s sister was there and having a very hard time with how her sister was doing, and again on my way out she had me sit with her. It is not something I usually do in my job, but something was telling me that I should stay to be there for them. Thursday as well, a woman stopped me by the bus stop to talk about her kids and the weather…I had never seen her in my life.

On Friday I didn’t wake up until 10am (which is very late for me). My brain felt weird and slow. I thought I had all the food I needed, but it turned out that I didn’t have anything- so I had to go to the makolet. I got there, and ended up having an hour long conversation about theology with the owner and the sales clerk- with neither of them wanting to leave so they could continue the conversation. Eventually I got home to cook and clean, but I really felt like I was floating around, and concentrating on the recipes was difficult.

Shabbat came, and I went on a walk- saw the same couple and woman from the nursing home twice that day. On the first walk, had a long conversation with some people from the home, but all in all just enjoyed the sun and air. After Shabbat I got a sms from tlv asking if I wanted to go see a play, and in a mode of spontaneity, I said yes. The play was ok. But on the ride back home, we were playful- I was much calmer in this conversation that I have been in a while. He spoke about coming over for Shabbat, but it didn’t work out- and I have been thinking more about desire and the missing of touch. And then in his car, again we went back to talking and touching and kissing. I don’t know what I want from him…

And then two other people who I met in the past week want to have coffee with me. I don’t want to date them, but both are interesting humans that I want to get to know. I guess part of me is saying that I have 6 weeks, just go with it.

Work knows that I am going. My landlord now knows that I am leaving. I spoke to school to figure out what next year is going to look like. I started giving away books.

I just feel weird. I hope the flipping over of Purim into the rest of the year is for good. I know that everything for me is in the momentum of change, I just didn’t think I would actually feel the unsteadiness, and  change in my actions.

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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