Who is My Director?
My philosophy of acting is that we all have every personality in ourselves, but we make choices to show those things or not. But when it comes to theatre, there is freedom to do those things, because one can rationalize that they are not doing it themselves, the director and/or playwright made that decision.
I was asked, who is my director in real life, that makes me not be able to have some of the characteristics that I feel like I can only have on the stage. I think that there are a bunch. I wish I could say that it is me that is making the decisions- but I know that would be lying.
Part is my idea of what I think people think of me, and the fear of “what would people think” if I do something “out of character”.
Part is actually society’s idea of what I should be. There are a lot of social norms with women, especially religious women. What does it mean if I give a guy a hug at a party? Do I need to pretend that I wouldn’t do that? And it does reflect on me, especially when they hear that I am studying to be a rabbi, if anything I think there is more pressure.
Part is fear of rejection (again). I don’t know how to flirt. Every time I have tried to ask someone out, I am told no. I don’t know how to make the first move- I just feel awkward.
So another one is feeling awkward (ok, so that can also just be in my head), that I don’t know how to do certain things. I am very good at being in public, but when it comes to actual one-on-one relationships, I over think EVERYTHING.
So basically, my director is a mix of outside people telling me what to do and how to do it (still) and my brain over thinking everything, making me not do things, or making me nervous of doing them… This kinda makes me sad, especially if I am supposed to be a strong, independent, women.
I was on the bus the other day, and I saw these girls from Beis Yaakov. I thought to myself, how elegant and feminine they are, even though they are forced to wear a long blue pleated skirt and blue shirt. There was something dainty to the way they walked and carried themselves. They were still in school (otherwise they wouldn’t have a uniform), but they carried purses that I feel would look silly on me, and on them they looked like women in magazines. Even though their hair had to be pulled back- it was back in a way that was beautiful. I wonder if anyone ever thinks of me that way? Or if I will ever look and feel that way? Maybe there is something in going to a school that you are trained to be a “good woman”.
The Woman is Supposed to Receive
I have a hard time accepting help, or accepting things at all really. I feel uncomfortable if a guy pays for me every time we go out. I feel uncomfortable when people do things for me, especially when I am capable of doing them myself. I feel uncomfortable when I get presents and praise.
I know I am supposed to be wooed, and yes, I do want that. I want to feel wanted, and there is something nice to it. It is nice to feel cared for (I try hard to allow myself to feel that way). But at the same time, I still have my egalitarian ideals, so why should a guy ALWAYS pay on a date? I also am taught to not look weak, so why should I have someone do things for me, if I don’t actually need it? How can I balance both being an independent woman, while also not being afraid to be dependent on someone else?