Posted in Life

8 Weeks: This Change is Not Just About Me…But Maybe it Should Be?

Two months…8 weeks…it is really happening. I don’t only have a ticket back to the US, but it really feels like it is getting closer. Comes Monday, I’m giving my 30 day notice at work, and after Purim my next (and last) big program is the ball.

This will be my last Purim for the unknown time. After Purim I have friends going to the US, who are going to take stuff with them for me.

After Purim comes Pesach, so with my cleaning the house, I will also be packing and getting rid of stuff- because I leave three weeks later.

I am anxious and excited about the move, and the chance to start a new. Even though the idea of leaving everything I know scares me, I think I have become too settled, and the big move will be a good thing (at least I am hoping…)

What I realize I am most anxious about though actually is not about me. It is about my brother and my roommate. My leaving is not only affecting me. Even though I am single and don’t have kids, my life and life choices do effect people around me. My roommate and brother need to find new places to live. My roommate is a teacher, and I am leaving a month before school ends. She thought that she had somewhere to move into, and today it fell through. She was upset about that (rightly so), and all I can feel, is feel bad because I know that it is my fault that she has this to happen [yes, the rational part of me is saying that she has known for a year, and she can stay here most likely for another month or few, or she will find something…but I still feel responsibleL]

With my brother I feel even worse. I feel like it has been my responsibility to take care of him. He is 8 years younger than me, has no life experience and has been living in a foreign country for the past 4 years- but I have always been there to take care of him. He was not like me (or really any of my siblings) who had no one to help them when they came to Israel. He had me to help him get a cell phone, deal with bureaucracy, have a place to live, someone to cook and go food shopping… And now I am leaving in two months. The school that is supposed to give him a room – won’t, and so he has nowhere to put all of his belongings, go when they are not allowed to be in the dorm, or have any private space (they are 4-6 per room). Because he is technically still in the army but also in Yeshiva, he is allowed to work, but only after 6- and he is having trouble finding a job. I am frustrated with him, because I feel like he isn’t really trying. But I guess in reality I took too much responsibility for him, and maybe he is doing everything he can, and it just not working out. But I worry that I am leaving him alone without any help.

I feel that I don’t have only 8 weeks to sort out my life and say goodbye to my things- but I also have only 8 weeks to help those who I love and care for, so they are not stranded because of my life decisions…

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Author:

I'm not always the greatest at sharing what is in my head. Here is a place that I am experimenting with sharing my ideas and thoughts. They are about my life, my experiences in becoming a rabbi, things that I see going on around me, and sometimes words of Torah.

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