I used to say that I wish I was a bubble (why a bubble, I don’t even remember), and then I would be able to float around and not have to deal with emotions. I don’t really like emotions- they just complicate things. If I was able to take away my emotions, then things could run smoothly- and things could be good.
Apparently I actually got good at taking away my emotions- or at least pushing them away, telling myself that it is not worth feeling. That at a certain time I might be frustrated, angry, in love- but when it comes down to it, there is nothing that can be done and so I just push it away. I see it as a way of keeping myself from getting hurt.
Many times I feel, that yes, there is nothing that can be done. What I feel means nothing. No one else cares. So is it worth it to share? What is worse sharing and no one caring or just keeping it in and moving along?
Looking back to when I was younger and quieter, I wonder how much of my quietness was fear of sounding stupid (which is what I always said) or how much was fear of not being heard? I know now, that in spaces that I find myself not being heard (sometimes literally, not being able to say a word) I just go quiet. I don’t try and say anything.
With asking out guys, every time I have ever tried to do that I have been told no or have been completely ignored (online/apps). I just don’t even know when guys are interested, and when there are, I don’t even know what to do with them (which would make sense as to why TLV confuses me so much).
I can think about people who have pushed me down. I can think about people who I feel take up a lot of space- meaning that I feel like I can’t get a word in. I can think about times that I was just told that my feels were wrong, or they were just not understood. And so, it was just easier to keep them to myself, and go about my business as if they were never there.
It meant that I focused on goals to accomplish- things that did not have to do with how I feel. I was able to create programs. I was able to join people together. I was able to get people to do things. I learned how to work hard and make my brain the thing that people notice. I was able to provide for other people- be the person that people can speak to because I won’t bring my own story into theirs. I was able to separate my own emotions in order to hold someone else…
And now I find myself alone. I became so good at hiding, that I don’t really know how to share. I can share superficially, that is for sure. I know that I bring a lot of joy to the residents of the nursing home. I know that I bring a lot of happiness and love to the students I teach.
But when it comes down to intimacy- I don’t really know the first thing about it..and that is really what I want….