Sorry in advance for the rant.
I am sick and tired of being told I am intimidating! I really don’t understand. I am told that I am nice and caring. I am told that I am too quiet or too smart- and because of all of this I am intimidating. How are any of these characteristics intimidating?
And to be told my guys that this is why I don’t get asked out is even more problematic in my eyes. There are so many contradictory ideas that are thrown at me. On the on hand, I am told that I need to take things into my own hands if I want to find a date. But then I am told that if I am the one asking out a guy, then I am emasculating him, and he won’t want to go out with him.
I am told that the fact that I am studying to be a rabbi makes me sound smart, and so guys are intimidated to talk to me, because I am too smart. So my options are either to find news friends (i.e. Wait it out) or dumb myself down. Although an argument against this is that I haven’t even spoken to the prospective guy at this point, so it just means that I need to make something else up that I do, so that they would be interested in the idea of meeting me. I was told (by many a person) that I need to just “play dumb” a bit, don’t actually know things- because that is intimidating if you do…
I am told that I don’t share enough. Well, why would I share with someone before I meet them? Why would I share everything with someone on the first date even (if that actually occurs)? Ok, so I am quiet, but if I get into a conversation then I know how to talk.
I was told that I need to “play” the part of the “needy” female. That I need to let the guy ALWAYS pay. I don’t suggest that I pay sometimes because I want to take away his power; I suggest that I pay because I think that is the fair thing to do. It doesn’t make sense to me that one person in the relationship else should have to pay for everything (although, I am pretty sure that is why one guy stopped dating me). My friend told me about some uber-feminist woman that he dated for some time, but the entire time that they were dating, she let him pick her up, and pay, etc.
After talking to a (male) friend last night about this, all he could tell me is that I am intimidating, and that is why I don’t date. The best ways to get around it are to either find a new crowd that isn’t intimidated by intelligent women (in the world of Judaism- wanting to be religious makes it more difficult I guess…they are afraid of losing what?!) or to dumb myself down, and that way I won’t intimidate guys, and then I will date.
Unfortunately he is not the first (or only) one to tell me this. So what am I supposed to do? (really, if you have suggestions, please comment)
PS. Some articles that say there actually is this problem….