Posted in Dating

If I Hear that I am Intimidating One More Time…

Sorry in advance for the rant.

I am sick and tired of being told I am intimidating! I really don’t understand. I am told that I am nice and caring. I am told that I am too quiet or too smart- and because of all of this I am intimidating. How are any of these characteristics intimidating?

And to be told my guys that this is why I don’t get asked out is even more problematic in my eyes. There are so many contradictory ideas that are thrown at me. On the on hand, I am told that I need to take things into my own hands if I want to find a date. But then I am told that if I am the one asking out a guy, then I am emasculating him, and he won’t want to go out with him.

I am told that the fact that I am studying to be a rabbi makes me sound smart, and so guys are intimidated to talk to me, because I am too smart. So my options are either to find news friends (i.e. Wait it out) or dumb myself down. Although an argument against this is that I haven’t even spoken to the prospective guy at this point, so it just means that I need to make something else up that I do, so that they would be interested in the idea of meeting me. I was told (by many a person) that I need to just “play dumb” a bit, don’t actually know things- because that is intimidating if you do…

I am told that I don’t share enough. Well, why would I share with someone before I meet them? Why would I share everything with someone on the first date even (if that actually occurs)? Ok, so I am quiet, but if I get into a conversation then I know how to talk.

I was told that I need to “play” the part of the “needy” female. That I need to let the guy ALWAYS pay. I don’t suggest that I pay sometimes because I want to take away his power; I suggest that I pay because I think that is the fair thing to do. It doesn’t make sense to me that one person in the relationship else should have to pay for everything (although, I am pretty sure that is why one guy stopped dating me). My friend told me about some uber-feminist woman that he dated for some time, but the entire time that they were dating, she let him pick her up, and pay, etc.

After talking to a (male) friend last night about this, all he could tell me is that I am intimidating, and that is why I don’t date. The best ways to get around it are to either find a new crowd that isn’t intimidated by intelligent women (in the world of Judaism- wanting to be religious makes it more difficult I guess…they are afraid of losing what?!) or to dumb myself down, and that way I won’t intimidate guys, and then I will date.

Unfortunately he is not the first (or only) one to tell me this. So what am I supposed to do? (really, if you have suggestions, please comment)

PS. Some articles that say there actually is this problem….

What Men Mean When They Say You’re Intimidating

Men are threatened by intelligent women

Ladies, The Smarter You Are, The More Likely You Are To Be Single



I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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