Posted in Life

What am I Worth?

I think that it is horrible to think about my self-worth in relation to other people- but I guess I do. I think that it is horrible because I have been taught forever that our worth is not based on other people. That we shouldn’t compare ourselves to other people. We should find it in ourselves our worthiness- because we all have worth.

But thinking to myself, maybe I don’t always see my worth. What am I worth? Maybe that is why I am constantly creating and doing- that if I am doing nothing, than I am worth nothing.

Part of it goes to feeling invisible. The more I do, then I can’t be forgotten- which I guess I am afraid of, or at least feel like I am. I feel like no one pays attention to me, but if I am organizing, then they have no option to not to do so. I am the easy going one, who in some ways learned not to ask for things because it will most likely be ignored. I will be the one who people start to have a good time with and just leave hanging—alone, as usual (and being drunk alone is not so fun).

I feel like I am the person that is forgotten, or at least not cared about. It could be because I am quiet, and won’t always fight, and I won’t be the loudest person in the room. I am the person who will want to go somewhere and the people around me will say no- but if someone else suggests it, people will be on board.  I am the person that will ask for things, and people just won’t do it (example- a friend knew I was going to have a very busy week and asked what he could do to help. I said to chat with me every so often, he said yes- but in the end he didn’t speak to me the entire week). I am the person at a party that won’t get hit on. I am the person on numerous dating sites that can’t get a date. The more I put myself out there, the more people will let me down, and the more it will make me feel lonely.

If I am busy doing, then I can’t be lonely- it is on me that I don’t have time for things, rather than they don’t have time for me. I have boundaries, so I won’t open up- so then no one will just up and leave.

I don’t know if it is that I think that people don’t think I am worth being close to, but at times that is how it feels. I am able to do things on my own, and partially I need to do it on my own because I have never had anyone to rely on.

It is a funny place to be- a person who feels like on a regular basis people don’t notice, but at the same time a person everyone knows. I guess the place of loneliness, is that no one thinks of me. That in order to be noticed, I need to do all of the work. In order to be noticed by men- I’m not yet sure of (and maybe that is why I am still in touch with TLV because I feel like he is someone who notices me).

I know that this came off as rambling- but this is what is going on in my head. The question now is what to do with this knowledge/understanding of self. Am I better off because of it? Or am I just going to be lonelier?

 

Advertisements

Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s