Posted in D'var Torah, Decisions

Saying What You Need/Want Even When You are Afraid

In Vayigash Yosef tells his brothers, and eventually his father that he is alive. He is the one they have been speaking to. He is the one that was causing them slight discomfort- but he also forgives them for what they did to him, all those years before.

I am thinking about the things that I would want to say to various people, but am too afraid to say because of what I think the outcome will be (I know, I spend to much time in my head).

  • It is because of you that I left. You are abusive and mean, and should not have the job that you do.
  • Why aren’t we dating? What is wrong with me? Why did you say no all those years ago, but you are still around? I think that I would go out with you if you wanted to. You are one the people that is closest to me, and I will miss you terribly next year.
  • Why are you still calling? What do you see in me that I don’t see? I feel bad that I keep pushing you away, and you are still there- I feel like a bad friend. I also miss you, but I don’t know what to do with those feelings.
  • Am I actually good enough to do what I am dreaming of doing? My confidence was broken, and I know that I have dreams and I know that I am young- but I have a lot of ideas, and in my mind it might work.
  • Am I a failure in your eyes because I’m not married with kids?
  • What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get asked out by “normal” guys? Why is it that I am on different websites/apps and get NOTHING (or really creepy/inappropriate messages)? Why haven’t you tried to set me up with anyone? Why have they said no?
  • I shouldn’t have said no to you. All of the reasons I decided you were wrong, were I am there now. But you are married/engaged. Did I make a mistake? Or was I just right, and you found the right person for you after me?
  • Did I make the right choices in my past and for my future? Did I go to the right school? Did I choose correctly to switch and give up a fight? Will I actually do something with my life?
  • When will I actually feel like an adult?
  • Are you bored with me?
  • Would you still respect me if I change? What about love me?

I don’t think that most of these things I will actually share. Some I wish I did have the guts to say/ask, others it is more for me in my mind to see what my next decisions should be.

What would you say if you did not have to fear the reprecussions or you were ok with those reprecussions? (Feel free to comment below)

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Author:

I'm not always the greatest at sharing what is in my head. Here is a place that I am experimenting with sharing my ideas and thoughts. They are about my life, my experiences in becoming a rabbi, things that I see going on around me, and sometimes words of Torah.

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