Posted in Life

I Feel Like Floating Confetti

You know when you take confetti in your hand and blow on it. Then it all floats in random chaos in the air for a bit till it falls on the floor? I feel like that floating confetti.

I knew that last year was hard. It messed with me, there is no question. I decided to change schools, and I thought that the summer was a long enough break, so that when I get back home things would go back to normal.

But that has not happened. I thought my stipend was going to be one thing, and then it was $4000 less, which meant that I would have to find another job.I started looking for another job, and luckily got interviews. But at the same time my actual job decided to change my schedule where I went from 12 hours a week to 20 hours a week. One of the jobs I interviewed for offered me a position, and based on my need to work 20 at the nursing home, and learn for 12, I would work for them 6-12 hours a week (depending on the week), although for minimum wage. I was called the other day to teach a class,, this would be only two hours a week.

I know that I am lucky that I was offered all these jobs. But the idea of taking them all makes me so overwhelmed, and basically frozen. I just don’t know what to do. I am worried about being tired as in addition to learning and work, having class two nights a week till midnight, while I still need to be up every day at 6:45. I am worried about not being able to make enough money because I have to move to the US at the end of the year, even though I know that I have enough for this year. I am worried that if I don’t take the job I will have made a wrong decision.

I am used to multi tasking. I am used to having to do a lot and running around. But for some reason, when thinking about it now it makes me want to hold my breath or cry. I feel like I won’t be able to do it and I will fail at everything. Like if I take on these new things then I will do poorly at my old things (especially school, for some reason I am really worried about school this year).

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

So with all this, and planning for the move/applying for schools…I’m just confetti floating around till I hopefully fall nicely in a form of chaotic order.

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Author:

I'm not always the greatest at sharing what is in my head. Here is a place that I am experimenting with sharing my ideas and thoughts. They are about my life, my experiences in becoming a rabbi, things that I see going on around me, and sometimes words of Torah.

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