Posted in Life

I Feel Like Floating Confetti

You know when you take confetti in your hand and blow on it. Then it all floats in random chaos in the air for a bit till it falls on the floor? I feel like that floating confetti.

I knew that last year was hard. It messed with me, there is no question. I decided to change schools, and I thought that the summer was a long enough break, so that when I get back home things would go back to normal.

But that has not happened. I thought my stipend was going to be one thing, and then it was $4000 less, which meant that I would have to find another job.I started looking for another job, and luckily got interviews. But at the same time my actual job decided to change my schedule where I went from 12 hours a week to 20 hours a week. One of the jobs I interviewed for offered me a position, and based on my need to work 20 at the nursing home, and learn for 12, I would work for them 6-12 hours a week (depending on the week), although for minimum wage. I was called the other day to teach a class,, this would be only two hours a week.

I know that I am lucky that I was offered all these jobs. But the idea of taking them all makes me so overwhelmed, and basically frozen. I just don’t know what to do. I am worried about being tired as in addition to learning and work, having class two nights a week till midnight, while I still need to be up every day at 6:45. I am worried about not being able to make enough money because I have to move to the US at the end of the year, even though I know that I have enough for this year. I am worried that if I don’t take the job I will have made a wrong decision.

I am used to multi tasking. I am used to having to do a lot and running around. But for some reason, when thinking about it now it makes me want to hold my breath or cry. I feel like I won’t be able to do it and I will fail at everything. Like if I take on these new things then I will do poorly at my old things (especially school, for some reason I am really worried about school this year).

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

So with all this, and planning for the move/applying for schools…I’m just confetti floating around till I hopefully fall nicely in a form of chaotic order.

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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