Posted in Life

The End, The Beginning and Lots of Weird Positive Things

The past few weeks have been extremly busy and stressful, but at hte same time, many really wonderful things have started to happen. The most important of them all, is that I feel like I am regaining my voice back. Not only am I regaining my voice- but I think my voice is even stronger now than it was before.

I got back from my two weeks in the US to a play, a test, a wedding, packing, and doing camp stuff all at the same time.

The play went well- even though there was a lot of crazy drama that surrounded it. But in the end the cast really did come together, and they put on a great show. It was interesting not to actually be in charge of anything, and that during the show, I just sat backstage, studying for my exam.

The exam went ok. I got it and totally blanked on who said what- it was a problem. I feel like this year, more than any other year, I felt like nothing stuck in my head. No matter how many times I read things, or wrote things or spoke about things, something just didn’t stick. And so even though I tried and studied- something was missing.

I did meet with the rabbi though after- and was both shocked and embarressed at the same time. He told me that I answered the questions to vaguly, and he wanted me to know who said what. And when I said it was a closed test, he told me he knew, but eh still thinks that I should know that bit, and he wouldn’t be telling me that if he didn’t think that I was capable of it. I found out through this conversation, that for some reason, he thinks very highly of me, and actually thinks that I am smart. That he gave me a harder task then he gives to other people. It was a very sad meeting- as I will miss learning with him next year. I was also shocked by the amount of times he said that he is sorry I am leaving, he understands why I am leaving, but it is a loss to him that I will be gone. I am not 100% sure as what to do with the idea that him (and others apparently) think that I have the power to go places– sometimes the reality of that idea scares me.

In addition to all this- I did a random photo shoot in Yemin Moshe is formal wear. It was so fun to just play around.And the pictures came out really nice- nicer than I thought. This adds to the feeling that I look different, not in a bad way, just different. I actually think that I look pretty- like something has changed in my that filled out or thinned out or something- and it can be seen in many of the pictures. Maybe I’m not as plain looking as I assumed I was….

Then I finally published the article that I wanted to write about women’s space– and it has taken off to greater heights then I thought it ever would. It became a featrured article, it is somethign that people are speaking about, and people are sharing and saying that it is inspirational. As someone who never thought that writing was my strong point- apparently I was wrong. I also never thought that it would take on so fast. I just thought it would be like every other article, and a few people would read it and pass it on…apparently I was wrong. My question to myself is now what do I do with that? What is my next article? Or do I continue with that?

The wedding was beautiful, and I am so thankful to my friends. It is also amazing how people today can meet all over the world and continue to stay in touch.

And even there, I had two funny experiences. The grandfather likes me a lot- and made sure to say hello, and to introduce me to his other son- meantioning how special, interesting and beautiful I am. I even danced with him, and he pinched my cheek. And at the end of the night he made me pinkey swear that we would have another argument.

The other funny thing, is that someone came up to me, who I only know through facebook- but was able to actually meet me. And there he told me how impressed he was of me, and how my tv interview was on his desktop and he uses it often, and that I am an inspiration…

I guess with all of the difficulties of this year, something came out of it. I am more of me. I am more confident. I am able to hold myself higher. But I am still not sure what to do with the idea that people find me an inspiration or that I am special or impressive— what if I am not able to live up to their expectations?

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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