Posted in Decisions, Life, Lost

Decision

I finally decided.

I have decided to leave where I am, and join a different program comes September. This might have been one of the most emotionally draining/intense months that I have had in quite some time. And making this choice took even more out of me.

While sitting with my friend, and her forcibly making me send an email, I burst into tears. It was both out offear of the unknown, but also of immense relief of choosing. It took the breath out of my body.

For the hours after, I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t believe that I did what I did.

I am fully aware that I this change can and will change everything– I hope for the better, but I know that certain things will be more difficult. 

I made the choice to leave because every person I spoke to told me that I needed to.

I made the choice to leave because every year something like this happens, and then it is only temporarily resolved, and we are back to where we started. I no longer have the energy for this fight. I deserve better. I am taking my power to choose- I too have the choice to say no, and stop this cycle.

I made the choice to leave because I want to be in a place that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don’t want to be somewhere that is still trying to figure out what they want to be doing. I don’t want to be somewhere that doesn’t think highly of the students that they are trying to train.

I made the choice to leave because I want to be somewhere that the other students are happy, and are learning, and pushing. I burnt out because I felt like a lot of the fighting was done on my own. That I didn’t have other people there with me, even though they told me that they too wanted change.

I made the choice to leave because I need to do what is best for me. Being here was making me so down, that I wasn’t able to do anything at all. Maybe I gave up– that could be true. But, if I felt like I had nothing to give to the fight now, then what will I do when I really have to fight in the real world.

I hope that this new path is the correct one. I hope that it brings me what I want and need. I hope that it will allow me to grow and change, and be there to push me up, and not down. 

 

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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