Posted in Decisions, Life, Lost

Decision

I finally decided.

I have decided to leave where I am, and join a different program comes September. This might have been one of the most emotionally draining/intense months that I have had in quite some time. And making this choice took even more out of me.

While sitting with my friend, and her forcibly making me send an email, I burst into tears. It was both out offear of the unknown, but also of immense relief of choosing. It took the breath out of my body.

For the hours after, I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t believe that I did what I did.

I am fully aware that I this change can and will change everything– I hope for the better, but I know that certain things will be more difficult. 

I made the choice to leave because every person I spoke to told me that I needed to.

I made the choice to leave because every year something like this happens, and then it is only temporarily resolved, and we are back to where we started. I no longer have the energy for this fight. I deserve better. I am taking my power to choose- I too have the choice to say no, and stop this cycle.

I made the choice to leave because I want to be in a place that will push me to be the best that I can be. I don’t want to be somewhere that is still trying to figure out what they want to be doing. I don’t want to be somewhere that doesn’t think highly of the students that they are trying to train.

I made the choice to leave because I want to be somewhere that the other students are happy, and are learning, and pushing. I burnt out because I felt like a lot of the fighting was done on my own. That I didn’t have other people there with me, even though they told me that they too wanted change.

I made the choice to leave because I need to do what is best for me. Being here was making me so down, that I wasn’t able to do anything at all. Maybe I gave up– that could be true. But, if I felt like I had nothing to give to the fight now, then what will I do when I really have to fight in the real world.

I hope that this new path is the correct one. I hope that it brings me what I want and need. I hope that it will allow me to grow and change, and be there to push me up, and not down. 

 

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Author:

I'm not always the greatest at sharing what is in my head. Here is a place that I am experimenting with sharing my ideas and thoughts. They are about my life, my experiences in becoming a rabbi, things that I see going on around me, and sometimes words of Torah.

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