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Going Back

The time has come for me to go back. To go back to the “real world”. 

I am very grateful to the time I was able to spend in the US this summer. I have to say that it is really nice to be in a place where I am not worried about many things, people are supportive, and people to take care of me. I think (maybe for the first time in a long time) that I actually enjoyed being around my parents. Yes, at times I felt like a little girl and not like and adult, but it was nice to feel that way for a bit. I wouldn’t want to feel that way all the time, but there is something sweet to having someone care about you, and cook and do my laundry. It has been a while since that happened.

Working at the shul was great. I still want to do it, although the idea of being available 24/7 frightens me a bit. I still enjoy the different aspects of the work. 

Camp was wonderful. It really makes me think about what community I belong in, or maybe it is just that I belong in many communities at once, and that is ok too. I taught some great classes. Hopefully made some kids love Torah. Spoke to people and hopefully helped them. And I learned a lot. 

Seeing friends here reminds me of what I am missing out on by living 6000 miles away. Not that I don’t have friends there, but it is different. My friends here I only get to see once a year (and that is because I am lucky to have found a way to get back). There is something freeing that my friends here have. They just go about their day and go out at night. I am not sure what it is exactly, but I think there is less pressure and stress, and the hours they work are less. Or at least they have Sunday. Having a Sunday is really a great thing- having just one day where you can lay around, be lazy, see friends, hang out in parks- is just a wonderful thing. I didn’t think that I missed it, because I haven’t had one in quite some time, but it really is great and really is something missing. I would love to go out with my friends, and for it not only to be on Shabbat. 

And now is time to go back. I was hoping that all this craziness that has been happening in Israel this summer would be done by the time I have to go back, but unfortunately it is not. And that scares me. I have no idea what I am getting myself back into. How am I going to speak to people about my fear, when they have had to deal with it all summer? What do i do at work if the siren goes off? Where do I go at home? What if from my ride from the airport to the house a siren goes off? Am I going to go back to not breathing, and just waiting? I am worried about my friends and family who are fighting, living down South, living in Tel Aviv. I worry for myself, of am I strong enough to live through something like this. I worry for my friends who are afraid, but don’t know how or to who to ask for help. I am worried for my friends who feel scared, but don’t have any where to turn, but the idea of leaving is like a slap in the face to those who have no where to go. 

I am also worried about what this school year is going to bring me. Am I going to have to fight to not be treated like a high school student? Am I going to be challenged in a positive way? Am I going to have the strength to fight when I need to and be quiet when that is the only option? 

In my mind, I can feel the heat of August in Jerusalem, and the walk up the stairs to my apartment. I can see my bedroom, and I know where all of my stuff is. There is something comforting to know where I am returning to. That familiarity. But there is something equally comforting to sleeping in my parent’s house, in my childhood bedroom. There I feel like it is my world, but I feel a bit alone. Here it is my parent’s world, but I feel protected.

I know that I live in two places at the same time. In some ways I always have. I guess a good way to think about it is that I have a home in two sides of the world and I am lucky.  

 

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Author:

I am prone to overthinking and not to sharing. I decided to start writing and see what happens. So here are some stories and life situations (sometimes words of Torah) of a 30 something single woman, who happens to be a rabbi (received ordination in 2017- so there are posts of what that experience was like), will be working as a chaplain (and worked for years with older adults), is regularly asked what city she is located in (started the blog while living in Israel, found herself working in Australia, and will be in New York for at least a year), and is just trying to figure out her place in the world.

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