Travel-Moving-Holidays-Dating-Birthday

I don’t know why, but I have been reluctant to write.

It is September, and at this point not only has my birthdays past, but now also Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.

I think the last time I wrote was in the airport in Tel Aviv, where my flight was potentially going to be canceled. Well – it was cancelled. There was a lot of chaos, getting my bag again, waiting to get onto a bus to go to a hotel of an unknown destination, and then our return flight changing quite a bit. In the end, it was ok. I was lucky, and was put in a very nice hotel (I kinda want to stay there for more than a few hours…), had a nice dinner, and finally did get onto a flight, and even had a free seat next to me.

I knew that coming to the US that day would be nuts, because I was supposed to move the following morning. So I got home, ate a bit, and finished packing. I even did all my laundry. The next thing I knew I woke up, went to my new place to get my keys and then the movers were there to get my stuff.

Thankfully it all went quite smoothly. I don’t really own all that much, so the packing and unpacking went well. Walking into my new home felt nice – it was larger than I remembered it (I’m now in a studio), and really it just felt right.

And then I went to work, and started to dabble in my new position in palliative care. Although the work in essence is the same, for now it feel very different. It is way more focused than I was last year, and it is much, much slower. It will take time to get used to. The team is really nice. I am trying to also figure out how I fit into their team in addition to fitting into the pastoral care team. As of now it seems like I don’t really belong in either space and I very much belong in both spaces. I am also trying to work out the dynamics with the other chaplain, who has been on the team for a while and is the one who fought for this position to exist – but she has a very different approach to being there and has a different history with some of the members. For now it has only been 3 weeks, so all in due time I will figure out what it is supposed to look like.

The last week of August/first week of September continued to be well, eventful. That weekend I was supposed to go to Baltimore for my college roommates wedding – and well, my train was severely delayed on a Friday, so I quickly changed my ticket to leave Saturday night, and scrambled to find somewhere for Shabbat – as it was my third day in my apartment, I really didn’t have anything. I am very thankful to good friends who have open homes :).  The wedding was really beautiful. I played the role of maid of honor/assistant rabbi – doing a lot of organizing, but also spoke under the chuppah and helped with organizing ritual stuff at the end of dinner. It was really cool to be in that role (I was just asked to officiate at a wedding in a year – I really hope it works out!!!)

And then in addition to all of these big changes, I think I am dating someone. Friends of mine introduced us. Our first date was before I went to Israel and I went to JFK to meet him. I thought it was going to be just a funny story – but I had a nice time. His 2nd flight was canceled and so we went to Manhattan together, had drinks in Bryant Park, and both of us got home way later than we thought we would (and really later than we should). Our 2nd date was also in NY and it was 8 hours long – I didn’t realize until it was 1:30am and I was really tired – we had dinner, saw an opera, walked the high line and went for drinks. And our 3rd date was a few days later in DC, where we went to the spy museum and had a picnic.

For, I think the first time, I feel just comfortable. I think that in the past any guy that I dated, I had questions. I felt confused or overwhelmed. There was a bit of me that was uncomfortable or worried. And now I just feel comfortable. He is very clear that he wants to see me and speak to me – which is not easy because he is not based in NY, or even the US. I have shared stuff about my family with him – something I rarely speak about. I look forward to speaking to him and to seeing him. And for now at least (yes I am aware it is just the beginning) it just feels easy – which is both really nice, and then when I think about it makes me confused (yes, I know I should just not think too much…)

So that is all the updates for the past couple of weeks.

As for turning 33, well, this is not what I thought 33 would be like. Last year was a hard year. A different hard than what was happening in the past. It wasn’t hard in the way that I felt worthless, or felt like I had to fight to exist, or even that someone was pushing me down. It was hard because people were pushing me to share, making me feel, helping give me a space that I don’t even think I knew I needed or wanted. But in doing all that, it was really hard work (and that doesn’t even include what I experienced when working in the hospital). By August there was a sense of calm and feeling of being content that I haven’t felt in some time. I am surprised that even with all that is going on, I actually feel quite calm.

I know that chaplaincy was not high on my list. I also remember the feeling of “knowing” when I saw the job ad and even more strongly after my interview. But even with those feelings, it was not what I had wanted or dreamed of. I enjoy what I do. It has taken some time, but I think that I am even finding my place as a rabbi in my work and how to be a rabbi outside of work as well. I might still be angry at parts of the Jewish community – but the anger is not as strong or biting. I don’t feel as much disgust, maybe I will when I actually interact with it, but not when I just think of it, which it what it was.

I had a realization today, that in my past I worked with kids and older adults. I think I always assumed I would be with one of those two populations, and most likely older adults (it was what I was known for). But I find myself now, not working with either population. I am doing a job that I always had the skills for, but I don’t think I ever assumed I would be doing.

And that gets be to the 33. So if 32 was the year of לב, the heart – I really didn’t know what that would mean, but I did learn a lot about my heart. How to open my heart, how to have my heart opened, how to hold other’s hearts – really in ways I could not imagine possible. I know that I am different because of it (and people that I haven’t seen in a year even said so). Well, 33 is גל, wave. I think of it not only as being able to just float along, but also to find the ways to enjoy the waves that come about in life. But who knows what I will learn in the year of the wave.

I don’t have a list this year of 32 things – maybe that will come later. I’m not really even sure of what to write about Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I might feel calm and content right now because I am not ready to feel the heavier things – or maybe it is that for a change I am content and calm for a short bit.

Here is to floating into the unknown…..